Perhaps the most depressing period in my life was the few years after I came out when every little thing triggered a melancholic chain reaction in me. I felt that I was all alone in this world and that I would stay that way forever with no one to love me. I did not get support from my family and friends could not do much to help because it was my own personal battle. The dangerous thing about depression is that once you have reached that “sweet spot”, you could be sub-consciously (or even consciously) searching for sources of depression to comfort yourself and this would end up in a vicious cycle. I was always going for the saddest movie in the cinema and I would visit places where couples hang out so that I would feel even worse. It was the lowest point in my life as I wandered the streets all by myself, wondering if I had made the correct decision in coming out.
I guess this story might not sound too foreign to those who have ever struggled in their coming out but to those who are fortunate enough not to ever face this problem in their lives, it could not be further away from their comprehension. That story took place about ten years ago and although I am one of the most well-adjusted gay people I know, I will never forget the suffering of those few years–they serve to remind me how much pain I could actually withstand and how strong I have become.
As a sensitive and musically-inclined person, I have written countless songs in an attempt to relieve some of that pent-up depression and angst. In this month’s musical journey, I will share with you guys one of those songs–the one that best describes what I went through all those years. I hope you can feel that despair through my voice.
/词 / 曲: 锦泉/
[Smiling In My Dreams]
Having walked through the thought pathways
Through the bewildering fog
There should be clarity
Not only loneliness
Having struggled out of the shackles
I have lapsed into helplessness
Have I gone down the wrong road
I have run out of time for realisations
I know that my dream is in the distance peering at me
I know that it is untouchable even if I stretched out my hands
I know that I am in the arms of desolation
And I also know that I have to squeeze out a smile after I cry
I can only travel amongst the countless couples in front of me
Hand in hand they are, pushing me to the brink of giving up all hope
I only need a man to love for the rest of my life
Tell me a day will come when I will be smiling in my dreams
On the note of song-writing, I have recently joined the first-ever gay song-writers group in Sydney and will be going for the first meeting this weekend, a day before my participation in my first-ever song-writing competition in Australia (in which I have to sing 25 minutes worth of compositions). Wish me luck!