It has been four months since Ision and I went into an open relationship and things between us have not really changed much. In fact the relationship is at its strongest point yet–we rarely fight and might I say are at the stage where we love and miss each other’s idiosyncrasies. Frankly I cannot attribute all this to the open relationship for certain but all my “pre-open” fears that I might be injecting unnecessary instability into our relationship have all been allayed. I love my baby more than ever before.
You might think that an open gay relationship automatically involves lots of action, merry-making and the like but that is plainly untrue. Neither of us is actually getting more excitement in the sack than before. I don’t know about Ision but my reason for not fully-making use of my license-to-mate is that I have very high standards when it comes to casual sex. Of course the fact that I find the whole process of sex cumbersome and the endless partying pointless does not help the situation either. You can say that I am too lazy or do my cost-benefit analysis too stringently and you would be right.
Believe it or not, things can still be hunky-dory in my current state normally but the problem comes when occasionally I get THE need. When that happens, although the freedom to indulge totally sets me as free as a bird, that does not mean that satisfaction is guaranteed. Cruising can be quite hard for someone facing the three-sided dilemma–very high standards vs finding sex cumbersome vs strong periodic urges. As you can see, it is two against one and as a result nothing much happens. I must say being in close proximity to an abundance of fine specimens in the gym when one is horny yet not being able to jump them there and then is a real pain. You would think that that would motivate me to work harder right?... it’s back to the three-sided dilemma. Ision would so be shoving “this-is-self-inflicted-pain-so-don’t-whinge-at-me” in my face at this point. Who could blame him? So what do you think is the solution to my problem?
Let me now bring this back to the title of this post. Like what I have said earlier, cruising for sex is not an easy thing. I remember when I were still single many years ago, I managed to convince myself that being promiscuous was wrong and that I should focus my energy on the search for love instead. The STIs that loomed out there cast an even darker shadow onto the tussle between my brain and my loins. Yes, it became a struggle back then when I still had not fully-ironed out the kinks in the coming out process. Every sexual encounter would result in much guilt which made the next one even worse. And under those circumstances this composition was born–when battling between giving in to temptations and sticking to my principles provided the perfect conditions for writing songs.
/词 / 曲: 锦泉/
无声地 滚烫地 切割着我
闯的祸 我的错 请勿怪我
Don’t pull me in, for I’ve promised myself never to fall again
The poison needle dipped in honey now has to resist the temptation of blood
Right in front of me, that sharp, dazzling and attractive silhouette
Silently and scorchingly cutting at me
How can I break free if you have locked me in a whirlpool?
How can I miss you if my heart became a vacuum?
The virus flowing in my blood quickens my heartbeat
The guilt bursts into flames as I squander it endlessly
Nowhere to hide, that clear and familiar aching lulls me to sleep
The havoc I have wreaked is my mistake but please do not give me the blame
As sensibility starts inciting wantonly, reason escapes me
If love chose to torture me, I can say nothing in defence
I beg you to please pardon my sins with leniency
For I am riddled with an addiction
As I take a bite of the forbidden fruit
Thankfully the problems I now face in relation to cruising stem from an entirely different place, one that does not eat at me. This is where maturity plays a huge role in personal happiness. I now know what I want in life and what makes me content. Imagine a “happy ending” that lasts a lifetime–wouldn’t that be worth more than anything in the world?