Saturday, November 30, 2019

Musical journey (111)

It's the eve of the the start of the last 2019 month and I'm a month into the fifth decade of my life. I'm not sure if mid-life crises are supposed to kick in now but since my life hasn't really seen much highs in the last few years so a low wouldn't be that obvious to me. Hence I don't think my boring life is a good candidate for mid-life crises. Nevertheless, it's not without it's minor ups and downs.

On the work front, it seems the company I'm seconded into will only tell me if I have a position there in the new year in a fortnight i.e. a fortnight late as previously agreed. This leaves me only two weeks before my long trip back home to look for my next work placement should they not have a spot for me. This is quite unfair especially when many people are on holidays during that two-week-before-Christmas period and so getting in contact with them to line up my next position would be difficult. Companies nowadays no longer put its people on the forefront. Sure such matters might be low on their priority list but they fail to understand that this is the number one priority for the workers affected for it is their livelihood! Is it any wonder that in this era where employees are treated like commodities (or sometimes glorified slaves) that they are disloyal and will cheat the company at any available opportunity?

I just hope my parent company has the decency to have a reasonable plan for me and not just put me in a god-awful location which inevitably forces people to opt to be made redundant. That's when they'll use the age-old trick of "I gave you a position but you rejected it so you're not entitled to a redundancy package" so you either quit with nothing or be coerced into relocation. Although that's a realistic scenario as it has happened to people I know, let's just hope I don't get to that stage. I should be getting a whole lot more used to this seeing that as a contractor (i.e. vocational nomad), I've gone through this so many times!

On the health front, I'm finally going to see a doctor regarding the sore/pain at the back/left side of my neck that has plagued me for some months now. I think it's caused by poor sleep posture and recently it's been causing tingling and numbness in my left arm and twitching of my upper left chest muscle. The fact that these symptoms are getting more frequent is what worries me. Maybe something related to my neck is impinging on the nerves and causing all that. Whatever it is, hopefully the GP I'm seeing that has has expertise in neurology can help. This GP also specialises on skin and I'm going to ask him to check out a mole on my left inner knee that I've been concerned with for a long time now. To top off the consultation, I'm going to ask to get my blood taken to test it for cholesterol and diabetes as well as getting a referral for a colonoscopy.

I haven't seen a doctor for a long time and so I'm trying to squeeze in as many things for him to look at in one session. I've also booked an appointment with an osteopath but seeing that osteopathy is somewhat a pseudo-science, I still have the chance to cancel that (expensive) appointment depending on what the GP says. I also need to book a dental appointment for routine cleaning before I leave for my holiday. Wish me luck!

Because I have these work and health issues weighing me down, the fact that I'll be embarking on my 7-week break in less than a month's time has not registered in my mind yet to make me all excited. I've noted down discrete things for my itinerary but have yet to string them together to form anything logical or concrete and I know I have to do that soon. It'll all become more real when I start counting down to my flight.

While I go sort all that out, here's this month's musical sharing. I wrote in my last post of the unhealthy state of mind I was in twenty years ago when I liked to wallow in my sadness. During those years, I would purposely seek triggers to activate those depressing emotions e.g. watch sad movies or look at happy couples in love.

The song I'm posting this month was written on one of those nights when I walked around the city looking for triggers while lamenting how alone I was and how much I needed a relationship and love. Couples holding hands were something I was extremely envious of at that time and so the song centered around my empty hands and how they represented the excruciating loneliness I was going through. Though painful, I do somewhat cherish these very valid feelings as I know I'll never experience them again even if I were to become single and so songs like these serve to preserve these distant memories.



[手]

词  /  曲 : 锦泉

喧哗的街  人群中  拖著走
惺忪的眼  穿梭熙攘的霓虹
石灰森林  月光被锁在外头
这样的夜  早已习惯了寂寞

脑海的鱼  不知往  哪里游
心里影子躲在哪一个角落
它是否和自己一样失了踪
选择了  自己想要的痛

空的双手  要空多久
它渴望感受另一双手的温柔
这份爱  世人怎么看不懂
这一滴泪  今夜又為谁而流

空的双手  要空多久
它永远都在挣脱孤独与哀愁
这惶恐  只有自己能承受
我很疲惫  不想再走

空荡的街  冷风吹得好暖和
静静的夜  月光照亮了自我
这样也好  至少多了个朋友
第一次感到  如此地自由



[Hands]

Dragging myself through people along these noisy streets
Snaking through bustling neon lights with blurred vision
The concrete jungle locking out the moonlight
I have long been used to such lonely nights

My thoughts unsure of where to run to
Where have the shadows in my heart hidden themselves
Are they lost like myself
Choosing the pain we have always wanted

How long must my pair of empty hands remain so
They yearn to feel the gentleness of another
Why can't the world understand this love
Who do I drop this tear for tonight

How long must my pair of empty hands remain so
They are forever struggling to be freed from loneliness and melancholy
Only I can withstand this terror
But still I am getting tired and do not wish to walk any longer

Cold winds blow so warmly on these empty streets
Moonlight illuminating myself this quiet night
It is not all bad, at least now I have a new friend
And never have I felt this free


Friday, November 1, 2019

20 years of independence

If you consider someone becoming truly independent only at the age of 21, then 20 years would have passed since I attained independence. In other words, happy 41st birthday to myself!

If you've seen me two decades ago, you wouldn't have recognised me as I was both extremely maladjusted emotionally and utterly insecure with my own appearance. The shoulder length hair and pudgy undefined body didn't help a single bit either!

I was supposed to be at my most active and free at that age but was constantly down instead and cried very often. Here's a song (just the lyrics as there's still a separate musical post later this month) I wrote for my 21st birthday to let you have a taste of my state of mind back then.



[生日舞会]

独白: 今天是我的生日, 第二十一个生日
        是什么样的一个日子, 我只能假装不知

我用孤单布置了房间
让寂寞渗透乏味的空间
然后静静地等着那不会到来的惊喜
我无奈地燃起蜡烛
被蜡烫红的手, 我也不哭
只因为痛苦已让我麻木

这热闹的生日舞会
只有电台情歌的生日舞会
枯坐在角落, 闭眼想像
这生日本来会是怎样

这热闹的生日舞会
唯一的礼物竟然是伤悲
我只要一个人, 就那么一个人
分享我生命的每一刻

这热闹的生日舞会
就像那蜡烛仅有的光辉
我好想把它吹灭, 再许一个愿
可我等了太久

它已化成一滩蜡
凝固于手掌间


[Birthday Party]

Voiceover: Today is my birthday, my twenty first
                What sort of day will it be, I can only pretend not to know

Using loneliness as decoration for my room
Letting it permeate this boring space
Then waiting quietly for the surprise that will never come
I light a candle helplessly
My hand burnt by wax yet not flinching
Because the pain has numbed my senses

This bustling birthday party
One with only love songs on the radio
Sitting idly in a corner with eyes closed
Imagining how this birthday should be

This bustling birthday party
Sadness is the only present
I only want one person, that one person
To share every moment of my life

This bustling birthday party
Just like the only radiance from the candle's flame
I really want to blow it out and make a wish
But I have waited for too long

It has become a pool of wax
Solidified within my palms


I was really quite emo huh. The worst thing is I liked to wallow in sadness which was very unhealthy.

Things started looking better when I started looking better after hitting the gym, something which I've written about on this blog before. The new-found confidence (albeit superficially obtained from validation from others - hey whatever does the trick right?) transformed me into a camera-loving part-time model with 40 photo shoots under my belt starting from 2007 (here are the shots: 1 2 3 4).

Though I've grown more mature and much surer of myself over the years, my body has not grown too much bigger. I know aging accelerates after 40 so I don't expect myself to continue being a model much longer but I'm very happy with what I've done so far. See for yourself how I've changed since my modelling "career" started!



Hope I can continue to add to the montage year after year and remain as healthy as ever. Happy birthday to me!