Sunday, April 19, 2009

Much ado about nothing

It is a rainy day and I am sick and recuperating at home. What better time to revisit the blogosphere than now. The super strength cold and flu drug that I am currently taking really makes me feel ill before it makes me feel better so I might be a little incoherent and disorganised in this post. All my OCDs need a well-deserved rest and I must say letting them go for a while really does make me feel better.

Work has gotten very busy recently. I always believe that the more capable a person is, the more responsibilities he or she would be given. You can also look at it from a I-will-take-advantage-of-your-talents-and-squeeze-you-dry perspective. Either way, I do believe that I am a fast and efficient worker and hence my boss decided to dump all those projects onto me that were too much for another guy to handle 2 minutes before the project kick-off meeting (I almost fainted then but still had to appear nonchalant yet strong). As overworking (and my first working overtime experience in Sydney–my absolute last resort) seeped into my life, my body’s immune system naturally took a back seat. The fact that I do not take multi-vitamins regularly (much to Ision’s disapproval) plus the season quickly changing from autumn to autumn-winter compounded with nasal allergies all led me to where I am right now. A sick person at home on a rainy Sunday vegging away.

I have not taken a sick day since I started working in Sydney and everyone is telling me to take one tomorrow. I went to see a doctor yesterday and got a 3-day medical certificate. My friend told me one of the biggest reasons why people visit doctors here is to get that piece of paper that exempts them from work and I guess that is not too strange a practice. I think I should seize this chance to take a day off work and let my OCDs continue to slumber. However the longer I rest the harder it would be for me to get back to work, which is the same logic I use to rationalise why I continue to work so hard in life be it in school, in the gym or in my job. Why do I not trust that my strong discipline will achieve a balance with the innate human potential to be lazy? That is one of the many questions that will haunt me forever.

Determination is a virtue and I have been imbued with this valuable lesson through my years of growing-up. In my opinion (after gaining maturity) that is only a very basic lesson. We also need to know why we are determined and why we are working so hard. A simple way is to set up goals and make sure every ounce of effort you put in goes towards achieving that goal otherwise it will just be wasted energy. This might sound too simplistic to be practically-true but if one genuinely makes the right focus in life and never lets go, success is almost always guaranteed. As for me, I am not exactly sure why I am working so hard at the moment. Is it for money? Is it so I that I have something to do? Is it for personal satisfaction? It appears that I do not have any solid goals in my life right now and to be honest, that is freaking me out a little.

We work so that we can rest so that we can work more. Does life have to go through this mundane cycle? And is it so wrong to not have an ideal or even a purpose in life? What is next when one has achieved what one has set out to achieve? Do we need to keep a dream unfulfilled so that we will always have something to work towards? Looks like I have opened up more cans of worms and do you know what I see? Yes you have guessed it. Worms. This is why escapists believe that ignorance is bliss and many others believe less is more. I have never ever pictured myself as an escapist but when push comes to shove at that very tight corner, what else can one do other than to stay put, stay strong and hope that everything will settle into perfect harmony soon?

Maybe it is the drugs talking but I am not upset with my life right now although something is definitely missing from it. I have been raised with the teaching that hard work and perseverance are the only sure-fire tools to success but I have not been taught how to take time to enjoy that success. Sadly, I am but a by-product of the agenda of the post-independence Singapore government. Am I so blind to not realise that I am still running a rat race despite being already out of the tracks? But what else can I do? Is it so bad to have not-giving-up as a character trait? More questions with no answers.

Before I get too caught up, I think I should give it a rest and continue from here another time. Despite everything in this world trying to complicate things and lives, I do know that more often than not, time will answer a lot of questions. Things fall off the list and new things come on board to distract you all the time and before long, everyone will be back to square one asking the same questions again. That is life I am afraid. Nothing fancy and nothing dramatic, just life.

By the way, I am going for my Australian Idol audition on 16th May and this is my last chance to reach for the stars (my next goal in life maybe?) before I get dumped in the “expired” bin. If I do get ahead in this competition, I will need all the support I can get especially the gay votes (yes, I have decided to commit the cardinal sin of showbiz–to be forthcoming with my sexuality). In the meantime, I better go dust off my show costumes and song sheets, warm up my voice and oil my gears and parts. But before that, it is time for my next dose. Yum.