Work is super crazy at the moment on site with the total plant shutdown in full swing. There are non-stop issues emerging everyday due to inadequate consultation with the end users (i.e. us) during the design phase of the projects we are executing during the shutdown and very poor planning. I was expecting this from what I've seen during normal operations but it's much worse than expected. The situation has now literally imploded and has laid bare the process inefficiencies, work silos and people's ineptitude we've always put up with. Oh, and the constant finger-pointing is truly getting on my nerves!
This is also the time when people show their true colours, be it offensive and unprofessional behaviour when under stress or real technical prowess when called to solve problems within unrealistic time frames. I have encountered and put up with the former whilst exhibiting the latter. I'd say I'm coping rather well despite the even longer working hours and the inevitable fatigue (we're not allowed to take our entitled time off). I still have a little less than two weeks to slog through this messy frenzy and I know what I'd say for sure if they asked me to extend my current hitch to cover plant start up!
When I do get time off on site, I always write a new song and this has become a great new habit of mine to decompress and do something that's as detached from work as possible. This month's musical journey features a song I wrote years ago when I was still desperate to find someone to settle down with in Singapore after having just came out. I was young and impatient then so there was a lot of rushing and me being overly-eager and hence failures. Feeling increasingly disillusioned and depressed, this song was born.
Looking back, I've actually not changed much as I'm still that person who believes in love albeit my version of love is now extremely different. You see, I've only really had two real relationships i.e. one with Greg (may he R.I.P.) and one with my husband—tell me how that's not being true to love (me and hubby will hit our 15-year anniversary in less than a week's time). I'm a million times more mellow now and so I can never write with such angst again. I hope you'll like this creative outburst of a painful longing for love, a feeling I'll (gladly) never experience again.
[圈里]
不知从何涌起
干枯疲乏的心
让蠢蠢欲动的心
尘封已久的灵魂
我浑身颤抖
慢慢习惯
慢慢跟随着常理
走进这圈里
看见的只是生机
一个接一个的
但很快地
捷径途中只有死胡同
一个接一个的
不知从何涌起
一股力量冲向心里
但在镜子面前
又像从前一样懦弱起来
一面镜子就让我
丢了刚找到的自信
怎能又留在圈里
又能从框子逃出来
我浑身流动的
是劲
是喜
是自由
我已分不清
走进这圈里
看见的只是生机
一个接一个的
但很快地
捷径途中只有死胡同
一个接一个的
急性的我又怎能在
负数边缘从零开始呢
不起眼的我只能张大眼
继续盲目地越陷越深
我仍在圈里
日夜招呼着过客
一个接一个的
却不断地在汪洋中
一对接一对的
[In the Scene]
I don't know where it surged from
This wave of electricity straight to my core
This shrivelled heart full of fatigue
Started beating with this pulsating energy
Allowing this heart bent on making trouble
To breathe all this new-found courage in
My soul long covered with dust
Could finally let the sunlight in
My whole body trembling
Gradually adjusting
Gradually following the rules of this world
Stepping into the scene
All I see are opportunities
One after another
But very quickly
While taking shortcuts
I see only dead ends
One after another
I don't know where it surged from
This wave of power straight to my core
But in front of the mirror
I'm back to being
Weak and cowardly again
If a mere mirror
Could destroy this new-found confidence
How can I stay in the scene
And still be able to escape from this restrictive world
Is my whole body overrun with
Vigour
Joy
Or freedom
I can no longer tell
Stepping into the scene
All I see are opportunities
One after another
But very quickly
While taking shortcuts
I see only dead ends
One after another
How can the impatient me
Start moving from the negative towards zero
The unremarkable me can only open my eyes wider
And continue to blindly sink deeper
I'm still in the scene
Entertaining passers-by day and night
One after another
While endlessly afloat in the ocean
Looking at the docking ships
One pair after another
