I always knew I would lose my emotional support and rock on site when my boss (and true friend Wayne) retires but I didn't expect it to happen so soon and without warning. FIFO workers like me spend half of our lives with our work colleagues, so work relationships are very different for us. We're literally like family and many people don't and can't grasp that. Because we're so close, everyone in PNG is struggling, especially when he was not even afforded the courtesy to come back for a farewell stint.
The "official" reason given by the company for Wayne not showing up was that he took the option of early retirement, but we all know that's not true. When one is forced into a decision, that decision is not a choice. Basically, he couldn't agree with the proposed organisational changes as it would destroy what we painstakingly built together over the past few years. The knowledge of how this cold-blooded company has treated him is now garnering lots of resentment against the incoming management.
As you know, we all undergo the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) in our own time. When I got the news two days before I was due back at work, I was emotional but still largely OK as it all hasn't sunk in yet. But when I got to site, everything here reminded me of Wayne and our time together. And knowing that I can't say goodbye to him in person or see him again overwhelmed me completely.
On top of that, we are not supposed to talk about it as the changes haven't been announced by the higher-ups yet, not to mention I recently whistleblew against the new management's previous unsafe behaviour. I'm fully prepared to face retaliatory measures given how vindictive they are, and how they are systematically eradicating the "old guard". Suffice to say, I'm in hostile territory and all this became too much to bear.
As a result, I was constantly going between tearing up with sadness, feeling lost with the uncertainty ahead of me, and allowing pure (sometimes unfiltered) anger to surface. In a corporate environment where high performance is expected of me, I found it really difficult to remain professional and still am facing this problem. Hence, I chose to withdraw from the new management team and only work on things that won't trigger this emotional flood. Most importantly, I reminded myself that putting plans in motion is the only way my brain and heart can continue to function at that level under such circumstances. I'm glad that there's now light at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully no more tears. I'm almost done with moping around anyway.
We've been conditioned not to reveal how we truly feel at work because colleagues and managers don't genuinely want to know about your problems and mental state. So we wear masks, and change them ever so frequently depending on who we talk to. Pretending to be alright is what I've been doing, and this month's musical journey describes exactly how this is like, written from the perspective of a heartbroken lover. In my case, I was heartbroken too because my dear friend is no longer here with me in PNG.
[It Doesn't Even Hurt]
Move on I should, 'cos I know
I can't get lower than this low
This time I've begged and borrowed from you
With grief and sorrow
Why do these tears flow
When it doesn't even hurt
When I'm not even heard
Treated just like dirt
You say those nasty words
It doesn't even hurt
When you decide to leave me in the lurch
But still I do not learn
Your lies done like a pro
And I just let them go
So why won't you pick up the phone
Alone with my shadow
Afraid but I don't let it show
I must be made of stone
'Cos it doesn't even hurt
There's nothing there to nurse
Other than the deepest
Wound that forever burns
It doesn't even hurt
When the fine line between love and pain is blurred
But still I want it to work
So come on, do your worst and give it all
I'll be here, with no fear, right before I fall
That solemn promise
Softest last kiss
That perfect bliss
I'll always reminisce
Please tell me
That's not history
Please don't tell me
It doesn't even hurt
Just because it was
Not meant to be a
Fairy tale but a curse
(It is but a curse)
It doesn't even hurt
When your heart cannot help but get so crowded
With a third, it's so absurd
That it doesn't even hurt
That you will not return
With these scars I've earned
And kept them well and truly hidden
So it doesn't even hurt
I close my eyes to savour this moment
Only then I'll know I'm only human
I'll know
It actually hurts
It really hurts
