To Greg / Musical journey (124)

20 years ago, a maladjusted young gay guy living in Singapore desperately looking for love and struggling with coming out, body insecurity and daddy issues met an older married man residing in Sydney who never had a son and was exploring homosexuality late in his life. Sounds like a match made in heaven? It was, for many of this young man's formative years. This is the origin story between me and one of the most important figures of my life, Greg.

Our relationship grew over daily emailing and nightly calls when he slipped out for his "walks". The time difference did little to quell the desire to become closer. We met for the first time when he came over to Singapore during one of his business trips. The love and hunger was mutually intense as we filled each other's gaps in exactly the way they yearned to be filled. We simply couldn't get enough of each other.

As much as it was loving, it was also very taboo. He was the father I never really had as a boy yet we were in a physical relationship. It was not a daddy fantasy, he was my true father. The age gap really weighed on Greg's mind and was the reason why he withheld his real age for a long time. The fact that he was married with three adult daughters added to the forbidden nature of the love. We had each other but we were alone as we couldn't let anyone else know of this very precious thing we had. This is also why I haven’t shared this part of my life with a lot of people and on this blog, until now.

We threw societal norms and caution to the wind as we continued to write and talk to each other almost daily and see each other once or twice a year. Greg was the main reason why I took up a university exchange program in Sydney—that was the best six months of my life. We had a date at this French restaurant in Sydney the first time I was there. Though I've forgotten its name now, it remained our special place where we visited whenever I went to see him.

The interesting thing is that I was also seeing other guys and Greg was always there to pick up the pieces when all those short relationships fell apart because I was too eager to get into them. He was my shoulder through and through, across the ocean.

Our age gap never really escaped Greg. I was ready to be in a permanent relationship with him but he always felt that I could do better and that he'd be wasting my youth. Deep down, he was probably just as insecure as any human being and not the solid father figure I depended so much on. Although the connection remained, it gradually lost the intensive sexual element and became a very close friendship between a mentor and a mentee. When Ision came into the picture, the change in relationship was complete.

Shortly after that, Greg met another guy and I was extremely happy for him. In fact I met his partner Paulo several times. When my mother came to see me in Sydney, I even brought her to meet them at Paulo's house. I've always wondered if my mum knew who Greg was and how many years of her son's life were spent with this elderly gentleman. Maybe mothers could always tell but maybe not. I guess I'll never know.

Greg and I have talked about him divorcing his wife many times during our relationship but he never did. He finally succeeded whilst being with Paulo and could finally be free to be who he really wanted to be. I was over the moon for him.

Throughout the years I was with Ision, Paulo and Greg were very close and we would catch up whenever they visited Melbourne. Greg was kept abreast of my life through this blog and we always messaged and emailed to wish each other happy birthday and Merry Christmas. It's a very warm yet strange feeling knowing that you have someone who is still there loving you but no longer in that familiar way. 

Greg got sick last year and the biopsy he underwent in November 2019 revealed that he had Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. There was no cure for it and I knew he was going to get weaker and weaker. In February this year I messaged him to wish him happy birthday and he told me his condition was getting worse.

Although I was glad that Paulo was there to take care of him, I knew Greg's time was limited. Our relationship was kept a secret to others for many years but it was built on a foundation of no secrets and we could talk about anything with total transparency. During the February chat, I asked him if he was fine with me attending his funeral and he said it was, though no one there would know who I was. I said I'd just be Paulo's friend. I asked Greg for Paulo's number in case I needed to contact him and he gave it to me but he never gave Paulo my number.

Earlier this month I got a message from their mutual friend who managed to hunt me down on Facebook asking me to contact Paulo. I immediately knew what it was about. I called Paulo and was told the news that I had prepared myself for. Less than a month after I messaged Greg in February, he actually passed on. I was glad that I could wish him happy birthday one last time. Due to COVID-19, there couldn't be a real funeral but I heard there might be a retrospective one. I will attend that as planned, COVID restrictions permitting. I should have called him instead of texting in February but I guess we can't live our lives with this kind of regret.

When someone dies, the people they leave behind are what really matters. I feel so sorry for Paulo not least because he's all alone in his grief but he was deliberately cut out of Greg's will by his scheming daughters. Paulo didn't want to fight this but he had to. It's not about money at all but justice and recognition.

Greg had three daughters and the fact that he never had a son was a big part of why our relationship blossomed. He really wanted someone to nurture and support and it was that loving nature that drew me to him. It's so sad that the daughters he loved so much are now going against his wishes (they successfully plotted to make Greg revise his will several times). How greedy can people get?! It's a blessing in disguise that Greg will never know the truth as it would crush him. This battle is still raging on and I wish Paulo gets what he deserves, including Greg's holiday house.

It was this house in which they spent much time together and it was this house where Greg kept the tapes of the recorded songs I wrote for him over the years. Greg would play these songs as he drove. I asked Paulo if I could get them back and he said that could be arranged once he regains access to the house. To think that the daughters actually barred their father’s rightful partner from visiting his own house. I am beyond mad about this.

Throughout our seven years together, I've written 72 songs for Greg. Some were whimsical, some were funny but all were heavily tinged with a deep sense of longing as we traversed this long distance relationship. I went through all the songs after the sad news and picked one that meant the most to me and I believe it was also one of Greg's favourites. The words are as true today as they were 20 years ago when it was written though they take on a whole new meaning today. I had to fight back tears re-recording this song as every repeat of its title, my heart broke a little more.

Greg, I know you've heard this song a thousand times but if you can hear it now, know from my voice that you will always be remembered and cherished. I thank you for being there for me when I was at my lowest. I thank you for giving me the love and guidance that I needed. I thank you for being my pillar. There will forever be a spot in my heart where you will stay. I love you Greg and I will see you again some time.

[Without You]

When you're crying, cry it out
When you're laughing, do it with no doubt
When you're tired, do rest in my arms
They will be right open, waiting for you

When you're crying, I wish it's out of joy
When you're laughing, I will smile to myself
When there is hurt, pour it over my shoulders
They will be there, they'll be right there

Without you, I'll not be as strong
Without you, life is no longer a song
Without you, the journey is long
With you around, what more do I deserve?

Without you, the sun don't shine as bright
Without you, the night just falls colder
Without you, I can't imagine what the world would be
With you around, I can be who I want to be

When you need a hand, you've got a friend
When you need love, I will give it to you
Oh father, I want to be your son
Hold me to you, right into your arms

Without you, I'll not be as strong
Without you, life is no longer a song
Without you, the journey is long
With you around, what more do I deserve?

Without you, the sun don't shine as bright
Without you, the night just falls colder
Without you, I can't imagine what the world would be
With you around, I can be who I want to be

With you around, I can see the difference in me