Three days after my 46th birthday towards the end of my shift here in PNG, I can't help but recall how terrible the same day was a quarter of a century ago (gosh am I old or what). It was my 21st and how I wished I had someone to spend it with back then.
Fast forward 25 years, I've learnt to find joy in being alone. In fact, I very much prefer my own company. The last thing I want is being the centre of attention in a room filled with people I barely know. I guess being an ageing introvert, that comes as no surprise at all.
This has been tiring shift and I can't wait to pack up and leave, but before I do, let me share with you the song I wrote for myself on that sad 21st birthday (with some changes to suit the new and more modern melody). This song makes me feel fortunate that I never have to go through that emotional roller coaster again.
[生日舞会]
让寂寞渗透乏味的空间
然后静静地等着那不会到来的惊喜
门外只藏着镜子里不愿看见的自己
我无奈地燃起二十一根白色蜡烛
被蜡烫红的双手
心也麻木了
想哭却不能哭
这热闹的生日舞会
就只有电台情歌的生日舞会
枯坐在角落
闭着眼想像
这生日本来应该是怎样
我用孤单布置了房间
让寂寞渗透乏味的空间
然后静静地等着那不会到来的惊喜
门外只藏着镜子里不愿看见的自己
我无奈地看着二十一根白色蜡烛
早已化成一滩蜡
痛也冷却了
于手掌间凝固
这热闹的生日舞会
唯一的礼物竟然就只有伤悲
我只要一个人
就那么一个人
来分享我生命的每一刻
陪我渡过这热闹的生日舞会
热闹得像蜡烛那微弱的光辉
吹灭前许愿
一切都是白费
这生日不应该是这么黑
[Birthday Party]
Allowing it to permeate this boring space
Then I waited for the surprise that will never come
Outside the door hides someone I'm unwilling to look at in the mirror
I helplessly light these twenty one white candles
My hands scalded by hot wax
With my heart numbed
I feel like crying but I cannot
This amazing birthday party
Filled with only love songs on the radio
Sitting tired on the floor
I close my eyes to imagine
What this birthday should look like
I've used loneliness to decorate the room
Allowing it to permeate this boring space
Then I waited for the surprise that will never come
Outside the door hides someone I'm unwilling to look at in the mirror
I helplessly watch these twenty one white candles
That have long melted into pool of wax
The pain has cooled down
And solidified in my palms
This amazing birthday party
With sadness as my only present
I just want one person
That one person
To share every moment of my life
To spend this amazing birthday party with me
A party as bright as the light from these flickering candles
Let me make a wish before I blow them out
Even when everything is futile
This birthday should not be this dark
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