You may or may not know by now that DNA magazine has used the pictures from my shoot with West Phillips for my cruise-site racism story. I was beyond stoked when I got the news. Imagine seeing myself in a double-page spread-opener (and then some) in one of the more popular gay magazine in the world in just a few days' time! Of course much credit goes to West, who recently told me that he is going to push for more Asian representation in the magazine. Damn right! We need to start somewhere and create the demand for Asian models and so I think this entire project would be a very good first step. I am glad that I am part of this small progression towards the ideal the gay Asian community is striving for.
By the way, the underwear required for this shoot was provided the night before at a house party of an underwear-line owner when I lamented that I did not have any good underwear (as a person who does not wear any). Talk about perfect timing–the racist incident, the shoot, the underwear from the party, and DNA wanting to write the story. The universe is certainly wanting this to happen!
The shoot took place near Redfern train station in the abandoned section of Carriage Works. There were straight topless skaters right in front of us that afternoon and come to think of it, it was a slight turn-on that I was being watched all this time. The photographer really liked the location and returned subsequently with other models. It was just too bad that it started to rain before we could explore further. Thankfully I had another opportunity to work with West in a second shoot with two other Asian models–watch out for that!
This whole Carriage Works series will be split into three separate posts starting from this one. Enjoy.
PS: I will be one of the models featured in this exhibition and it opens today. If you are free, do come down and see me in all my naked glory!
I remember a few years ago I was attacked by a strange viral disease that my doctor was unable to diagnose. It was then when I realised that maybe we should not put too much faith in doctors and their know-how, especially when it comes to viruses. According to my doctor, there is still a great deal of unchartered territory in medical science and knowledge when it comes to viral diseases. That was why one of the courses of action was to try to kill the viruses off blindly with a barrage of different antibiotics and hope that one of them actually does kill it. Sounds really professional and scientific isn't it?
Anyway I had to go through a blood test every few days or so for a few weeks to monitor my viral load. At one point in time, the doctor even told me based on the way the virus was behaving, he did not rule out Ebola. EBOLA?! Was he freaking kidding me? Fortunately my viral load started dropping and the pneumonia-type symptoms went away. This experience gave me new-found appreciation of the importance of health and how we should all do our utmost to protect it from any possible harm. To this date, nobody knows what exactly infected me and it will remain a mystery forever.
Whilst waiting for my doctor's appointment to have one of those blood tests, I started to write a song to vent my frustration and to express how sick I was of feeling sick. The song is actually not about a person but a relationship falling sick as I felt that it would be more "marketable" to write something related to love instead of Ebola. In this song, the singer is worried that the ailing relationship might make him too ill to continue loving his partner. Although the video is unrelated to the story, I think it suits the feel of the music and arrangement.
Falling ill, falling rain, falling leaves The broken first-aid kit feels happy Yesterday’s tears have disappeared The wind stops as you leave me falling ill
The syringe fails to hit the pressure point of death The medicine fails to dissolve The fever fails to ebb even when the suffering can no longer be felt
There you are stuck in my throat Which I can neither throw up nor excrete As I burn at thirty-eight degrees
We are close to being beyond cure As you and I embrace this cold How can my charred lips smile for you ever again?
Why does the blackout make the pain more visible? Dawn breaks in the grey sky as I continue falling ill
The blood I bleed for you refuses to clot The plaster fails to remain stuck to my wounds Please do not cry for me doctor
There I am at the brink of consciousness Unable to awaken and unable to slumber As seventy thousand sheep jump around me
We are close to being beyond cure As you and I embrace this cold How can my feverish hands hug you ever again?
Over Christmas, I went back to my in-laws' back in northern NSW (Ashby). I had a really good time the last time I was there (details here). Well nothing much has changed over there since then and so this post might not be as interesting since I am now writing more from a been-there-done-that perspective.
The one-way train ticket to the domestic airport has risen to $15 (ie. an increase of one dollar since July 2008) but after having lived in Sydney for two and a half years, you do get used to things that cost a lot more and work half as well as those back at home. I have always thought they reserved the cleanest and newest trains for services to the airport to instill the best first impression possible on the tourists. Clearly I was wrong for we got the usual filthy and freshly-vandalized variety, the type that I travel in daily to work. Well. The plane ride was comfortable enough as we got to the airport with ample time to spare which made the journey a whole lot more relaxing. Roger greeted us at the airport in Ballina just like the last time and we were transported back to that quaint house perched on top of the hill. Welcome home again.
The huge backyard, the shed with the heavy duty gear and the expansive garden with the bounty of fresh fruit and vegetables were all still there. Food was still prepared using freshly-harvested ingredients and the walk-in pantry was still fully-stocked. The nights were as still and dark as ever filled with the same annoying buzzing bugs of all species. But this time round the weather was not as good as there was rain throughout our stay in Ashby.
The highlight of the first day was the chance to put up my first-ever Christmas tree. My OCDs kicked in almost immediately as I insisted that the colour scheme be only green and gold. Of course that worked out perfectly even without the fairy lights which were only put in two days after. Apparently the sequence of putting stuff on should be ornaments, tinsel, streamers, fairy lights and finally the star. Though it is obvious now that I have done it, I still had to be given instructions before. Roger commented that for a first-timer, it was a very good tree.
The next day we visited Ision’s high-school mates. We had greasy fish and chips by the bank of Clarence River in Maclean and later went back to their place for more catching up. We met with another group (Roger’s and Jennifer’s first Australian friends) in Coffs Harbour where I again had greasy fish and chips at the Surf Club (note to self: exercise more or be prepared to lose the six-pack). I finally met someone (the daughter of the above-mentioned friends) I have added on Facebook (under Ision’s command) a long while ago–she and Ision had been friends ever since they were born. More catching up went on, which was one of the main things we did during the vacation.
We concluded the day with a trip to one of Coffs Harbour’s attractions–The Big Banana. Before anyone cracks any banana-related jokes, yes, we all had a frozen chocolate-coated banana and it was yummy (albeit a little filling).
On the way home, we stopped by the Sealy Lookout in Bruxner Park where the line separating the national park and the banana plantation could not be distinguished.
Extreme gardening (a.k.a clearing jungle paths) is always on Roger’s agenda whenever we visit but this time round, a blessing in disguise came in the form of bad weather and we were spared several days of menial work (but not other chores). One of the things they were really grateful that we have done was to help clear the boxes in the attic. It sounds like an easy task but the attic was a very tight space where we could only move in a crouched position whilst stepping on narrow beams to prevent the collapse of the ground floor ceiling and at the same time carrying not-so-light boxes. Other minor tasks included the domestic (eg. clearing leaves in the driveway that could have easily filled several oil drums) and the I.T. kind (eg. setting up Roger’s new iPad). We also did “work” that we knew would benefit us in the end eg. shelling pecans (payout being the pecan pie).
Apart from my usual jogs around the estate (and alarming the kangaroos in the process), we also did the token nature walk. Because of the much-higher-than-normal rainfall, the grass grew to excessive lengths and Roger made my jogging a little easier by clearing a path using his tractor/lawn mower thing (pardon my lack of knowledge in this department).
Then came Christmas Eve when food preparations for Christmas dinner started. Mind you, Jen had prepared the Christmas cake and pudding about three months and one year in advance respectively! Here is the list of things Jen had to do before Christmas dinner (I feel so right at home whenever I see Jen's OCDs pop up).
I helped in the preparation when I could but most of the time I was just standing, watching and making sure working hands were not in the way of a good clear shot (hehe). Note that the traditional Christmas turkey was done not in the oven but on the barby (just because the oven was used for something else).
Of course family gatherings always come with the usual family drama (of which I am not a big fan) and once that was done away with (and once the turkey was fully-done), it was time to sit down and have the Christmas dinner proper (do you know that the English call lunch dinner and dinner tea? So our Christmas dinner was actually taken at lunch time). Finally Jen could have a breather from all the hard work (THE WORDS IN THIS PARENTHESIS AFTER THE STRING OF UPPER CASE LETTERS HAVE BEEN ADDED UNDER ISION’S COMMAND–Ision helped of course).
Just as we could finally eat, my camera-attached fingers went into overdrive and snapped some heart-warming pictures. I then sat down together with Ision, Jen, Roger, Alan and Ision’s maternal grandfather Anthony for my first-ever traditional Christmas dinner. For dessert, we lit up the alcohol-covered Christmas pudding as per tradition and Ision had to accelerate things by pouring the rest of the alcohol in one shot. I guess that achieved greater results although for the best effect, it should have been done in total darkness.
We stayed on and chatted for a long while after dinner when Alan left to pick Deizel up (he was with his mother camping in wet weather whist nursing a monkey-bar-related broken arm). This little boy of three years received a lot of presents (including a go-kart with a complete set of expensive apparel and accessories to complete the look) because his birthday falls on the day after Boxing Day. I totally understand why modern parents spoil their kids (and the definition of “spoil” being subjective) but if I were to have a child, I would make sure that he gets less presents/rewards and more of the cane when he deserves it.
As an aside, I just figured why there are usually so many presents at the foot of the Christmas tree in print ads–if there were six members in the family and each member had a present for each of the other members, there would be six-squared presents. I know it is a very duh thing but I still had to “realise” it.
If not for the need to await Deizel's arrival, we would have opened our presents on Christmas Day after breakfast. When Boxing Day (our last full day at Ashby) finally arrived, the mount of presents were distributed by Deizel to everyone. I got a giant binder of brain teasers from Deizel (ie. from Alan), a class-10 16GB micro SD card (for my HTC Desire HD that was only bought post-New Year) from Jen and Roger, and Chanel Sport Homme perfume and Nu Skin Age Loc Vitality nutritional supplements from Ision. As for Ision, I gave him a Christmas “ang-pow” (the most practical gift a person can receive). He also received black raspberry liqueur from Anthony, a safety deposit box and more money from Jen and Roger, and a cocktail recipe book from Deizel. I like my micro SD card present the most because that was bought under my instruction–another reason why I love Jen (for how practical she is).
Whilst it is nice to exchange presents during special occasions, which I totally understand and enjoy, I still in principle am against the idea because at the end of the day, everything just cancels off in monetary value. For instance, Alan’s present to us was a deduction of our contribution to Deizel’s present. Before anyone labels me a killjoy, I have to say this–what I find important is spending quality time with family and friends, not the gifts themselves. But I guess we have all been conditioned over time by the media to engage in holiday-spending and interpret that as holiday-spirit.
So this brings us to the end of our trip to Ashby but that is certainly not all. To make our trip even more memorable, the flight out of Ballina airport (the one closest to Ashby) had to be delayed for an hour before the announcement that we would be transported to another small provincial airport since the plane from Sydney could not land at Ballina due to inclement (wet) weather. Come on! It's only rain! Anyway we waited for half an hour more and then we were told that the plane could not land at that other airport either and we had to be moved to the bigger Brisbane airport instead. Goodness! Of course the bus had to come only half an hour later because there was a lack of drivers over the holiday period. The journey to Brisbane consumed another two hours of my life and we were finally put on the next flight leaving for Sydney due to depart in another two hours. And this was still not the end of our ordeal! The weather gradually worsened and that so-called confirmed flight got pushed back three hours! By this time, all that was left in our mind was to get home and nothing else mattered (Qantas compensated us with a $15 dinner voucher by the way, which was close to but better than nothing). We then FINALLY got on the plane, took the hour-long flight and got through our apartment door eleven hours later than scheduled. That was the entire public holiday gone but hey, at least we got back in one piece and with the weather around the world wreaking havoc on travelling itineraries, I say we should count this as a blessing.
With lots of Internet backlog to clear (think downloads, emails and Facebook) as well as trips to the gym to shovel away the piled-up calories, we were well on our way back to the reality of it all the next day. Goodbye country life, I will come visit again soon.
This month’s musical journey comprises of a very simple three-worded
message that has been romanticised by Hollywood and Hallmark to
unspeakable levels since time immemorial. Before we let our increasing
age jade us with skepticism, we have to admit that there is really no
better way to succinctly encompass the indescribable feelings of
affection, tenderness and care than these three words.
Of course those
words must be accompanied by genuine feelings, not unrequited or worse
still imagined love, otherwise they hold absolutely no weight at all.
And in this world there is a single person who completes my three words
with truth, kindness and strength. That is why I had to write him this
song when I discovered that in him lies the right one. I know he is
going to say that I am being too soggy again but I still have to say
this to him.
I love you.
[I Love You]
I won't lie, when I saw you there I knew it would be right I guess it must be those eyes I wanna dive, from the moment after I first said goodbye Into your heart where I'll stay for life
And now I've kissed you The truth remains as clear as your eyes With every breath I take I'll say it to you Every day and night
I love you, there's nothing else I wanna do But to hold you close, to feel you And pray that one day I can say Yes I do, I love you I thank you for these tears in my eyes 'Cos I know you love me too
Love isn't blind, 'cos your love has guided me straight to the light I was in the dark all my life Minutes fly, how I wish we could move faster than time So I can stay just one more night
But still I'm grateful 'Cos love is not so easy to find That is why I'm never gonna let go Till the day I die
It all started with this unprovoked Gaydar (gay online personals site) message.
With the support and encouragement from a dear friend, I decided to report this incident to the website’s administrator. Basically Gaydar replied saying that actions had been taken against the offender but because of data protection laws I could not be informed of those said actions. I then lodged another complaint and escalated it to Gaydar’s management expressing my disapproval of their non-transparent policies and their soft stance against racism. Again I was given a reply regurgitating the same things as well as their three-strike rule against abusive users. That was when my friend decided to also send a strongly-worded email to Gaydar demanding nothing short of banning the guy from the site. A few days after that, I got a message from him.
Isn’t that creepy? Either he was trying to bury the hatchet or that hate mail wasn’t sent by him in the first place. However if you think carefully, both scenarios do not make sense unless he is a psychopath. I decided to let sleeping dogs lie only to discover very soon that his profile was removed from Gaydar. So what exactly happened? I guess we will never know (and I do not intend to find out).
This incident happened at the right time for DNA magazine was then writing an article on cruise site racism. I was interviewed via email by an editor and I have reproduced my answers here which essentially speak of my response to this whole saga as well as my view on racism. I look forward to reading the final article when it gets published (it has not been in the December issue though).
Q: What contact had you had with this person before he wrote that comment?
A: I had no contact whatsoever. I did not view his profile and send him a message and that's why I was so shocked that someone would actually make that effort to physically type those few words and send them to a totally innocent party just to make his point.
Q: What was the lead-up to it, if any?
A: There was no lead-up. I was actually sending quite a few emails to other people I found interesting on Gaydar at that time. I guess he saw that I was online and decided to send me that note.
Q: What was your initial response?
A: To be honest, I didn't know what "slope head" meant initially and had to ask someone but the rest of the short sentence was well-understood. It is one of those things that are so extreme that you pause for a moment to think if it were meant as a joke. Overt and over-the-top abuse of this sort does not get to me more than the under-the-surface discrimination that you know exists but can't prove for sure or do anything about. Also from the use of the rather old term "slope head" I could tell that this person is really very backward and primitive in his thinking–this created a greater rift in my mind between me and him–he is just an extreme fellow who simply cannot be comprehended. Just like nothing could calm a tornado bent on destroying a town, it was better for me to leave him alone and get out while I still could. I did not make any reply.
Q: I understand you contacted Gaydar about it. Were you satisfied with the response you got from them?
A: Their initial response stated that they did something about it but could not divulge any details because of "local data protection laws". It was not a transparent resolution at all, more like paying lip service. Gaydar told me that he will not be banned unless it can be demonstrated upon further investigation that it would be unfair to others to let him remain on the site. Apparently having a single victim (me) was not enough and there needs to be more. Incidentally my friend who is familiar with the field told me that there is no such thing as "local data protection laws" and that Gaydar didn't know what they were talking about at all.
Q: Are you prepared to take it further if they don’t respond more meaningfully?
A: I gave them a reply that I was not comfortable with their response and told them to give me details of what they have done exactly. I also expressed my disappointment that Gaydar decided to not ban him. I continued by saying that if no details could be given, they would have to quote me the exact clauses of the "data protection laws" they have used. I also mentioned that if I don't get further information, I cannot assume that Gaydar has taken any appropriate action. I am still waiting for their reply and it has been more than a day (from their website, they guarantee to reply within 24 hours).
Q: Has this kind of thing happened to you before?
A: Not to this extreme intensity but yes, several times. People either reply nastily by saying things like "dream on" or state in their reply that they are not into Asians. Well at least the latter kind of response is honest. The moral of the story is always to read their profiles first and make sure there is no "not into Asians" anywhere, otherwise you will just be barking up the wrong tree. I know some people are very against the "not into Asians" bit (which brings up the argument of where the line should be drawn between sexual preference and racial discrimination) but to me, at least they are upfront about it. Maybe they should simply write about what they like instead of what they don't like. Maybe they are just tactless people.
Q: Is it common? Do you hear about similar incidents from your Asian friends?
A: Yes. I attend the "Asian Tea Room" sessions organised by the ACON Asian Men's Project regularly and one of the topics discussed was exactly this–cruise-site racism. Many shared similar stories though so far I have not heard of anyone who has received emails as extreme as the one I have. Some used anger against anger (ie. by replying with equal aggravation) and some thought at least they were being frank. The general conclusion was that people should be more tactful online and that some might interpret sexual preference as racism and vice versa–it was all about live and let live in the end (a.k.a. we know there is a problem but we can't do anything about it). Although the Asian Tea Room sessions were good as an avenue for feedback and support, it is still an event that is meant only for Asians and so I cannot help it but feel as if I am preaching to the choir. I think it is time to really do something about it and not just stand around and discuss about it. This pro-active approach was the driving force behind my lodging of the complaint to Gaydar.
Q: What about when you go out? Do you find much racism among the gay community generally?
I seldom go out and if I do I tend to go to Asian-friendly places like Midnight Shift or 357 where I know people who frequent those places are most likely into or at least not against Asians. It is like Asians sticking with Asians because it is just too hard to make that connection when the other party is not totally accepting of you (a friend told me this Asians-sticking-with-Asians phenomenon occurs within the Australian-born Asian community too–so this actually cuts across the entire Asian demographic). It is sort of a chicken-and-egg situation–someone should make the first move in bridging that gap and I think it should be the majority making the first move. Sometimes my friends complain that there is not enough gay Asian representation in the community–a perfect example would be SSO pictures of events in the Shift rarely feature Asians although we know that they make up a substantial chunk of the clientele. However what kind of representation can we demand when in actual fact Asians only make up 6% of the total Australian population? Maybe the lack of Asian representation is the true representation.
That being said, the media still plays a very important role in promoting acceptance and I think there is much room for improvement when it comes to Australian media (gay or straight) when it comes to Asian-representation. That is why I took part in the underwear pageant at Stonewall a while back as the only Asian participant that night. I knew full well that I would not win despite having a wicked body because I think the Australian culture has not evolved enough to appreciate Asian beauty yet (the media is to be blamed for this one). I feel a need to not only put the face of Asians out there but also a masculine and positive image of Asians. I made my stance clear on the stage that night that I was there because I needed to increase Asian-representation in the gay community. That was not very well-received especially after I commented to the judge (AXN magazine editor) that AXN has not featured an Asian as a solo cover model before–true but perhaps too straight-to-the-point. I went away from the contest that night with my head held high and a bitter taste in my mouth at the same time–did I not win because I was being too Asian or was I simply not hot enough? It is one of those questions that can never be answered–that is why we need to strive to reach a level where that question need not be asked in the first place.
Q: Is this kind of racism in the gay community getting better or worse?
A: I know straight Asians get racism shoved in their faces all the time (by straight white Aussies) so we gays should not really get special treatment in that sense. But to me the most unacceptable form of racism is the kind you get from gay people–the people that knows first-hand what it feels like to be discriminated against. During Mardi Gras last year when I marched in the parade with ACON, the organisers were giving out party favours and we were all pushing forth to get them as we knew they were limited. I was there with a group of Asians and some white guy next to me just shouted out "only for those not on a visa". I was really offended at that time and that totally spoilt my first parade-march experience (I just moved to Sydney from Singapore a few months before that). On hindsight, I should not have kept silent after that caustic comment but I was new to the country then and decided not to "rock the boat".
Still I think it is getting better both in the gay and straight world but that came about slowly through gradual acceptance and not by media campaigns, which are important. There is a lot more that can be done and I think there should be a clear direction and concerted effort to target this particular issue–we should not just let time solve the problem. In my opinion, the white majority (especially those in the cities) are currently facing a culture shock within their own country due to this sudden influx of immigrants in the recent years. This is totally understandable–they see us as competition and a threat to their culture and livelihood and thus give a kneejerk defensive reaction in the form of (overt and covert) racism. Once we know the root cause to the problem, we can then better structure the plan to eradicate it.
I have done 3 shoots in the past few weeks to take full advantage of the warm summer weather and so I think it is time to post the pictures from my last shoot (that took place in winter). I know I should not have kept all of you waiting but too much of a good thing can be bad... Hehe. Conceited much?
The pictures in this post were done in the same studio, by the same photographer and on the same day as those from the reflection series. Of course there was first the compulsory oiling up with the help of the photographic assistant. Then came the arduous task of getting the lighting right. You see there were two light sources and the photographer wanted to get it exactly right. Of course things had to get more difficult with the lights sometimes not firing but finally he got what he wanted and the shoot with the sword started.
It was fun posing with a samurai sword for the first time although it gradually got heavier and heavier as I got more and more tired. We also threw in some shots of me wearing a silver mask. I am not sure if that went all that well but still the whole experience was quite interesting. At the end of the shoot, we were all so famished but fortunately by that time we had very nice pasta already prepared by the photographic assistant–talk about having multiple talents!
I will be involved in another shoot this weekend to complete a photographer’s series that’s meant for his first exhibition. Apparently for the shoot, I will be painted silver from the chest up including my face and hair to achieve a dipped-in-paint look. I was promised that it could be washed off easily–it better be for I have to attend a party after that!
I have been procrastinating for the longest time to start the process of buying an apartment and at long last have physically started the arduous journey to my future home a few months ago. You see, there is really no point in renting because one cannot do it forever and since property prices will only rise over time, it makes perfect sense for me to buy sooner than later. Some people might want to continue to rent and use their savings for investments that yield higher returns (ie. higher risks too) and then buy as good a piece of property as they can get with their investment earnings while others simply earn a living through buying, selling and renting out properties. For me, I am quite risk-averse so I am happy with saving my guts out so as to quickly buy a place to live in, finish paying the mortgage as soon as possible and then moving on to continue putting my money into high interest savings accounts (ie. a risk-free investment). Of course I am also open to upgrading to a better place in the future if I can afford it.
It is really hard for me to find an ideal apartment because of my numerous requirements presented in the following order of decreasing priority:
- It has to be in the city - It has to be within walking distance to any station that serves the line to my workplace - It has to get the nod from Ision - It has to have 2 bedrooms or at least 1 bedroom and 1 study - It has to have a reasonably-sized balcony - It has to have a split-level loft-like layout - It has to not come with amenities like concierge, gym, pool, spa, etc - It has to not come with a car space - It has to be within walking distance to the supermarket and gym
I have so far not come across a single place that meets all (not even most) of the above requirements that is within my budget but I know I must be patient (ie. at least a year should be given) since I definitely do not want to end up regretting what I have purchased. Some people think that the commitment made to a bought property can actually be more important than that made between partners and I think I agree to a certain extent. I just know that a lot of research and thought has to be put into the process.
I cannot say that I am a seasoned property-hunter at the moment but I have learnt a thing or two throughout this stressful-at-times hunt:
- Although not compulsory, it is important to engage the services of a solicitor and mortgage broker (the latter is paid by the lender not the client). However always check what they say with a neutral third party as they tend to have their own agenda to push across - Stamp duty (ie. tax on your purchase. Can you imagine that?) can be avoided for properties less than $500,000 and reaches a maximum value at $600,000 - An offset home loan has an associated savings account that earns no interest but is used to offset the loan principle to minimise the payable interest - Every time you apply for a pre-approval or renew an expired one, your credit report suffers one hit (zero hits equals a perfect record) - To avoid mortgage insurance, you must not borrow more than 80% of the value of the property assessed by the bank, NOT 80% of the actual purchase price - The Australian cash rate used to be as high as 17% back in 1990 when the science of inflationary control was still not very well-understood - Take the price printed on advertisements with a huge pinch of salt for they are there simply to entice you to the property - 90% of auction attendees are there to just watch and not bid–many of them are from neighbouring units and are there just to see how much their property is worth currently - The mineral boom and national broadband project will increase demand for workers in the next few years driving wage rates higher which will increase inflation and will subsequently be curbed by an increase in cash rate by the Reserve Bank. This means that interest rates will have a net rise in the next few years assuming the banks can secure enough offshore funds to lend.
Recently the Reserve Bank has increased the cash rate by 0.25% and the banks subsequently raised their loan interest rates by twice of that (even an interest rate hike four times that of the cash rate is apparently not uncommon) without increasing their savings/term deposit interest rates. My pre-approved home loan rate increased from 6.57% to 7% and it expires in about a month. Since all signs point towards further interest rate increases and I can already see property prices starting to drop (which means that my current rent will soon increase. Darn!), I will continue to keep my eyes open (and maybe start considering off-the-plan apartments) and put in aggressive bids/offers when good things come along in this buyer’s market. Just in case that you find all this sounds exciting, trust me, it is not!
When love ends, how much grieving time should we allocate to the deceased relationship? If we moved on too quickly, does it mean that the feelings weren’t deep enough in the first place? Why should we go through the same process over and over again? Do we really need pain to remind us that we are still alive, that the love we had was true?
Different people fall in love to different extents and this is dependent on many factors. But more often than not it all boils down to one’s faith in love and one’s level of maturity. In my opinion believing in love blindly is useless and being too analytically sceptical about it is not useful either. Often faith and maturity work against each other and so attaining the correct balance is the key to finding a successful relationship. Needless to say, all parties to that relationship need to achieve that balance.
The great thing about faith and maturity is that the combination not only helps in falling in love, it aids in speeding up the healing from a broken heart too. With a strong combination of the two, one can learn from the failed relationship, fine-tune one's needs, adjust one's behaviour accordingly and set new goals. To someone who has achieved that balance, all the questions in the first paragraph of this post become irrelevant.
This month’s musical journey is about a person not having that balance. He tortures himself every night and revisits the same point in time when it all started. Time to him essentially stops as he remains stuck in a perpetual loop of self-destruction. In the end, he reaches the end of the tunnel but he does not see light. Instead, he loses all sensation and his faith in love. This is a story of what we should all not do.
[零时零三分]
/词 / 曲: 锦泉/ 若心囚禁了思念 时间就会凝聚成句点 那么沉重 像带着那用铅球装饰的项链
昨夜飞不出清晨 让千层灰覆盖了灵魂 那么沉重, 无法呼吸 在黑暗中无奈沉沦
又到了零时零三分 又到了寂寞和无助的那份岔路, 无尽延伸 又看见孤单和彷徨重叠循环 我觉得冷
又到了零时零三分 又到了电话旁边瑟缩地枯坐哭醉苦等 又听见心跳和心碎的交响曲 我熄了灯
没有爱, 何谓恨, 没有你 我会狠心让自己溺于枕边泪滩不再辗转翻滚 不再想你
熬到了零时零四分 也到了遗忘交替麻木的那地点, 宁静难忍 只看见镜子里面站着一个 我不认识的人
[Three Past Midnight]
If the heart imprisons memories Time will grind to a full stop It becomes so heavy Like wearing a ball and chain around the neck
The previous night fails to fly to dawn Enveloping the soul with a thousand layers of dust It becomes so heavy And makes it hard to breathe As I sink deeper into the darkness
It is three past midnight again There I am at the never-ending crossroads of loneliness and helplessness As I see them overlap and encircle each other I feel the cold
It is three past midnight again There I am at the phone, on the floor, inebriated and waiting As I listen to the symphony of my heartbeat and heartbreak I turn off the lights
What is hatred without love? Without you, I will heartlessly drown myself in the tears beside my pillow So as not to toss and turn And think of you again
It is finally four past midnight When forgetting-it-all takes over numbness in this deafening silence When all I can see in the mirror is someone I barely recognise
Lately there has been a lot of media attention around gay teen suicides arising from bullying. Thinking back I have also encountered sexuality-related bullying though it was mostly in the form of name-calling and social-ostracising. It was a miserable time but thankfully I had enough sense and discipline to channel all my energy into school work and unite with other geeky outcasts for strength. I figured if all else fails and I ended up having a wretched life with no friends and support, at least I would still have excellent academic qualifications to shove in their faces. As time passed, my plodding along the awkward path of growing up with my head hung low slowly became a confident stride with a strong sense of self-identity (and a wicked body to match). It was not easy but life does get better and though the challenges of life never end, grown-ups will most certainly look back at their maladjusted adolescence as a mere speck of insignificance. What does not kill you makes you stronger and no, that is not just a weightless adage, it is one of the truest statements to live by.
Recently my colleague’s boyfriend committed suicide and her life was totally wrecked. No one can ever profess to fully understand the pain and suffering another goes through and hence no one can and should point the finger of blame when such tragedies occur. I for one cannot fathom why anyone would think that there is no other way out. All we can do is to stand by and support the people they left behind as well as look out for signs of depression in those close to us and offer assistance when we can.
This month’s musical journey is a little morbid for it delves into suicide (not from bullying but from heartbreak). I have written this song a long time ago for I wanted to look at love songs from another angle, a very dark one. This song starts at the instance when the heartbroken slashes his wrist with a shard of glass as he slowly fades away and he closes his eyes ultimately to see the white light when the song ends. I hope the music, words and video all help to trigger the deeply-silent image of utter helplessness and numbness I wanted to portray when I wrote this piece.
[白光]
/词 / 曲: 锦泉/ 天空抹上了灰 打翻了玻璃杯 谁替我受了罪 我的血流给谁
时间没了知觉 黑暗 无声肆虐 此刻我能飞越 历史每个空缺
你再一次浮现 心却没一丝念 你站在地平线 我慢慢合上眼
远处白光在闪 我门 不再关上 你我终于静下 痛渐渐被遗忘
天空抹上了灰 打翻了玻璃杯 谁替我受了罪 我的血流给谁
[White Light]
A veil of gray shrouds the sky as the glass shatters
My blood shall flow for the one who bears this sin
Time loses all its senses as darkness quietly rages
Yet I am lucid enough to clearly see all the gaps I have left in history
You surface once again but this time my heart no longer holds on to you
I slowly close my eyes as I see you standing there on the horizon
A white light shines in the distance and the door to my soul is no longer closed
You and I finally fall into silence as we gradually forget the pain
A veil of gray shrouds the sky as the glass shatters
My blood shall flow for the one who bears this sin
Time to reveal some flesh again people! This series of shots was done at a friend's studio on top of a piece of perspex to achieve that sleek reflective and symmetrical look that the photographer wanted. I like collaborating with him because he is very passionate about his work and pushes himself very hard and hard workers appeal to me. As a result of this positive energy, I put in even more effort to get the results that we both wanted. Also I had the pleasure of being made up before the shoot by his assistant who is also his partner. The entire shoot lasted a full day (which left us absolutely famished and exhausted at the end) and there was another series squeezed in as well but that will be for another post. I really love this series not only because I have not done something of this genre before but also how it shows another side of me and I hope you would like it too. I will certainly have him shoot me again but the next one will be done outdoors for summer is looming right in front of us!
