Monday, July 4, 2011

The month away (part 1)

In the second half of April, I took a break from the frustrations of work and spent a month away from Sydney and it is only now that I finally got around to tidying up all the pictures. I will not write a lot of words telling you how those 31 days flew by as I know people like pictures and ultimately they still beat words 1000 to 1.

Universal Studios

I got to be a total tourist with two of my girlfriends for a day at Singapore's Universal Studios. It was surprisngly well done-up and with a 20% credit card-discounted entrance fee and only one ride (Madagascar) not opened, I thought it was a really good day trip!


Universal Studio had many cash cows under its name and Jurassic Park was one of them. The rides in this section of the theme park were the most boring (one of which thoroughly drenched me from head to toe) but of course a photo-op like this makes up for all the inadequacies.


One of my friends did not dare to go on the more thrilling rides (ie. the majority of them) and so we did some of those meant more for children who failed minimum height requirements. I really appreciated her for accompanying me as she had to sit out the reason why people go to Universal Studios in the first place.


The best ride of all. This ride was split into two lines, one suspended and one not. The suspended one was so much more exhilarating especially the double-revese-loop-through-thick-mist part. Fortunately I had a special pass that allowed me to cut the queue altogether. Boy! The queues were long and it wasn't even the weekend or school holidays!


The top picture features the sound stage where a special effect scene of a category 5 storm in Manhattan was simulated whilst a musical containing all the favourite movie monsters like Frankenstein and Dracula is shown in the bottom picture. Well no photography was permitted in both locations but...


This was "The Mummy" theme park which had the most entertaining (ie. scary) indoor roller-coaster ride of all. Ision said I would grab all opportunities to show my biceps off. Yes, I unashamedly admit to that.


I am not sure what the proper name of this pose is (if anyone knows please kindly tell me) but it sure is popular. This picture was not taken within Universal Studios but outside of it (in front of a huge candy shop).


A repeat of the same pose. I cannot remember what the theme was for this part of Sentosa's biggest tourist attraction but I thought it called for such a pose.


My best girlfriend told me that this both-hands-in-the-pocket pose made me look very straight and I shall take that as a compliment. This picture best showed the theme park in all its touristy glory.


"Far Far Away" as in Shrek, another cash cow of Universal Studios. Pity the movie lost all its appeal from the second sequel onwards. And like all cash cows, it had to be wrung till no more juice came out of it (the last installment truly sucked). By the way it was really hard to avoid other people in all of these pictures so kudos to the photographer (after many tries of course).


One of the stationary "rides". Well, sort of.


Universal Studios from different angles. The top right picture was the sci-fi section of the theme park. The best ride I mentioned above is from this section and it featured the Battlestar Galactica storyline.


Do you really think that I would miss out on baring my body in a crowded public place? You must be out of your mind. At least there were two good reasons for doing that (the ultra hot and humid weather being one of them).


And so this concludes part one of a series of posts detailing my 31 days of rest, fun and catching up with friends and family which included 2 overseas trips and 7 photo shoots. So stay tuned for more!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Musical journey (14)

Before I amassed all the confidence I have now to bare all in front of the camera countless times and seize every chance I have to perform on the stage, I went through a period of identity-crisis. Although every one goes through this phase during their adolescent years, this problem poses itself in more layers for homosexuals and sufferers need to dig deeper into themselves to attain that harmony with who they really are, what they can and cannot achieve and be contented with the outcome, whatever it may be.

I recently watched Oprah's farewell show and something she said hit me. Oprah said every single person in this world seeks validation and wants to be heard, be it the richest, most famous person down to the homeless and destitute. That is so very true and relevant as well to an identity-crisis. We all need to know that we are worth something and we have to rely not only on ourselves but on others to give us that validation.

And that was the source of all the pain during my battle with living as a gay person, coming out and just being comfortable in my own body–I relied only on myself to think through and rationalise all doubts and insecurities (that was also largely due to me being left alone in my family for most of my growing-up years as every one was busy making ends meet). If I had someone to validate me then I think my fight would have been much shorter and easier. But then again I rationalise (I like doing that if you do not yet know) that long-drawn war as a huge character-building lesson, something that made me the strong and secure person I am today. Moreover without that exact experience, I would risk not turning out gay (GASP!) and instead be a boring-as-hell hetero doing all the mundane hetero stuff like raising kids in loveless marriages. I shudder at that thought.

Once in a while, we need to look back at our past and see how far we have come along, when we can take a moment to reflect on what went right and think of how we can do better in the future and only then can we take the next step with a sure spirit. In this month's musical journey, I look back at one of the more representative songs written during my coming-out years in which I poured my heart out, expressed all my angst and vented in vain, lamenting how we were all taught lies about fairy tales as kids only to grow up to find out that real life couldn't be farther from that. Through my voice, I hope you can hear the suffering and the helplessness that once almost drowned me.



[哭]

/词 / 曲: 锦泉/

白雪公主的王子
最终在她身边
最丑怪的小鸭
也有漂亮的一天
美女与那野兽
竟然能相恋
你就相信这一切

卖火柴的女孩
可以说是最可怜
但最后上了天堂
还是露出了笑脸
故事听了几遍
你到底厌不厌
难道你还不知
这全都是谎言

从小我们都被灌输了完美结局的概念
只有长大后自己才发现全是欺骗
不是每个故事都划上美丽的句点
悲剧上演一遍又一遍

若这世界是公平的我就不用夜夜哭着入眠
多希望能回到纯真的从前
听完一个故事然后进入美梦里面
向天叹口气又过了一天



[Cry]

Snow White's prince comes to her side in the end
The ugliest duckling becomes pretty one day
Even beauty and the beast can fall in love
And to think that we believed in all of that

The little matchstick girl though led a wretched life
Still ended up in heaven with a smile on her face
How many times can you hear these stories before you get sick of them?
Why can't you see that they are nothing but lies?

We have been taught the idea that all things in life come with a happy ending
Only to grow up and discover that we have all been denied the truth
Not every story ends beautifully
In fact they play out as tragedies over and over again

If this world were fair I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep every night
How I wish I could go back to the innocent past
When the land of sweet dreams comes after bedtime stories
But all I can do now is to heave a sigh into the air
And there goes another day


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

3 revolutions around the sun

On this day three years ago, I was lugging all my bags through customs and in the sea of people at the gate, I saw a face, a face that I have only seen for the third time then and a face that I cannot live without today. As I set foot on this strange yet familiar ground on 21st June 2008, I have begun The Next Phase of my life in Sydney Australia.

Though time flew by quickly, I have since established myself in the workforce, built a solid relationship with my partner, got published in the top gay magazine around here, made some really good friends and already formulating plans for my next relocation. There were ups and downs along the way and looking back, I think I have accomplished quite a bit in these short years. As icing on the cake, I was featured as "Mr. Friday" this week in the "Hottest Members" newsletter of one gay dating site. That is a far cry from being attacked by racism on another site not too long ago. Yes, there were ups and downs.

As I look forward to my next three years, I shall fondly remember all the experiences of the past three. Although I will always call Singapore my home, Australia is where I belong now. This is the place where I can explore everything life has to offer and truly flourish. And indeed I have.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Fight on Singapore!

Today is Pink Dot 2011 which is taking place at 5pm in Singapore's Hong Lim Park. It is Singapore's unique version of the fight for gay equality, the freedom to love and just being who you are. In this tiny red dot of a developed nation, things like that are best tackled with baby steps as human rights are only taken off the "denied-list" at glacial speeds if there is no economic bonus to providing that basic dignity, a simple no-brainer move in many other developed countries.

I could have attended Pink Dot 2011 should it have been in May like the previous years but I guess I can only send my moral support from wintry Sydney again just like before. I am fortunate to be living in a country more progressive than Singapore in terms of human rights but I will never take that for granted. We have to be ever-vigilant in guarding what we have because all it takes is one religious fundamentalist to take control of the government to end all this. In Australia, our current battle is for gay marriage but at the end of the day the fight is essentially the same ie. taking back what society has owed us for generations.

So fight on Singapore, I am so proud of all of you! Oh, and I will be wearing pink today.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Back to Carriage Works (3)

Here you go, the last of the series. I am tempted to say that I have exhausted Carriage Works but I have a feeling I will go back again for it is so near and convenient (just a stone's throw from Redfern train station). In fact I have done yet another session at this fabulous location so stay tuned for more pictures from that and my many, many other shoots!












Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Back to Carriage Works (2)

Here is the second part of my shoot in this superb location. Though some sneaking-through-the-hole-in-the-fence is necessary, the many photographically-interesting spots in the huge area makes it all worthwhile. Enjoy.












Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Back to Carriage Works (1)

One of the really good locations I have been shot at is Carriage Works in Redern and I know a lot of other people have had their best captured there too. Here is one of those series that I am really happy with–the location, the photographer, the lighting, the editing, everything! I also realise that I have done a lot of shoots recently (4 in Bangkok and 3 in Singapore) and there will be a whole lot of pictures that I will be blogging so let's quickly get the show started with this first one out of three posts of this series.













Monday, May 23, 2011

The right to bare

Do you want people to be honest to you? Do you want to be open to the people who matter to you? If you answered “yes” to both questions and are ready to take action to realise those wants then you are one step closer to being a nudist. Since we also know that hidden agenda, dishonesty and close-mindedness are always perceived as negative, this means that anything that promotes the opposite would be something positive. If you agree with this then you would have taken another step towards naturism.

At this juncture you would be met with your one and only true obstacle on your path to falling in love with being one with nature–body (and self-esteem) issues. Have you wondered why the advice of picturing your speech audience naked became common? When one is naked in the presence of a fully-clothed person, the former is immediately confronted with a sense of insecurity. This puts the clothed person in a superior and more confident position and this is the psychological advantage you have over your naked audience as a public speaker. However if we can move beyond issues of insecurity, then we would all be on equal standing and see eye-to-eye. This is the only condition under which people can interact with total no-holds-barred openness. Of course I understand that we all have the right to choose our beliefs in life but in my opinion to close oneself to the idea of naturism completely and not look into the “why” of it all is not the right thing to do.

I have always thought that every single person on this planet is either a nudist or a closeted nudist, with the latter unfortunately plagued by body issues, which is a problem to most people, even very well-adjusted and secure ones. However the size and root cause of that problem differ between individuals. I used to have serious body issues ever since I hit puberty till about six years ago. I did not like to look at myself in the mirror and would try hard not to walk pass any place that had one. In the stifling heat of Singapore, I would sleep fully-clothed with underwear as I would rather die than let someone see my naked body. I think the insecurity started even before puberty as I was a late-bloomer and always envied other post-pubescent boys. Also I had a typical traditional Asian upbringing when I was made to feel bad about my looks and body–I am still unsure why parents do that despite loving their children–perhaps it is to desexualise our existence to protect us from predators? Needless to say this desexualisation made body issues even worse amongst Asians, especially gay Asians (when gay culture puts body image and aesthetics high up on the ever-unreachable pedestal).

Then one day a gay friend who has progressed much further along the path of self-acceptance gave me a piece of advice that changed my life. He said an abundance of inner beauty is essentially useless if one had no outer beauty because nobody would be attracted enough to want to get to know that inner beauty. At that time, I was still clinging on to my high-horse even though I was face-down in dirt on the ground for I thought it would be too superficial for me to beautify myself just to get a partner (how foolish I was back then). That piece of advice jolted me off the ground and into the gym where I spent the next few years building up the body I have right now. Boy, if you ask me to choose between being an extreme narcissist or an extreme self-hater, I would gladly choose the former (not that I am there yet). Gradually as I got the much-needed affirmation from the gay community because of my body, I grew from a person laden with self-esteem issues to one who actively seeks opportunities to bare all in front of the camera. Pretty drastic isn’t it? But I am darn proud of myself for what I have achieved.

So that was the story of how I overcame my body issues. The point of sharing that is to show that with a mindset-shift, every person in this world can change for the better despite how dire the situation is. To me, the biggest and most “justified” reason against naturism is body issues. The other minor things I can think of that naysayers often have in mind (other than the obvious reason of it being illegal in most countries) when the topic comes up are listed as follows:

1) Sense of shame–this is slightly more entrenched than body issues (though both are related) and often steeped in religious dogma (think Adam and Eve post-Eden).

2) Nudist events are always very sexualised yet that element is always downplayed to gain more support for naturism ie. nudists are hypocrites as well.

3) For people who can only associate nude bodies with sex, taboo regarding all things related to sex becomes a stumbling block.

4) Males tend to worry that they would spot erections when sexual stimuli is in sight.

5) Usually out-of-shape and old people are seen at nudist events, which is unsightly to some.

6) Taboo surrounding nude children in family events.

Now I will provide my thoughts on the above-mentioned points:

1) Though entrenched, this is minor compared to body issues because most countries in this world are secular ie. church being separate from state. This means that religious dogma holds no weight in any argument that concerns laws of countries. You need more than religion to outlaw naturism. And since when did it become right for the word “shame” to be something people wear proudly as a badge? Isn’t “shame” supposed to be a negative trait?

2) I agree that nudist events are often sexualised especially ones organised by gay men. To me, sex is not taboo and is as common a need as eating or drinking. I am against nudists being hypocritical about the sexual element for I think we should embrace it as part and parcel of any event–sex can happen anywhere and straight and gay people alike have it all the time. However I can understand why not promoting the sex part might go down smoother with anti-nudists.

3) For those who cannot dissociate in their minds being nude around other people from actually having sex with them then I think there is something wrong with them, not the nudists. As for sexual taboo, it is their loss because they are the ones having less sex and I daresay worse sex when they DO have sex.

4) Theoretically in mixed-gender events, the etiquette dictates that the aroused male should move away from the opposite sex until said arousal has died down. Well in the gay world this is certainly not a problem because men know that other men think of sex a lot–it is only women who see this as a problem and frankly I do not really care for their sensibilities. You just cannot please everyone in life.

5) To a lot of people, getting rid of all body issues and fully accepting themselves can take a lot of time. This could explain why a lot of younger people are not into naturism because they simply need more time to evolve, which means that there tends to be more older folks present at nudist events. However this should not be an issue because once you have developed to a stage of complete self-acceptance, you would be able to truly accept other people for who they are. This is one of the main reasons why people become nudists and I feel that the world can most certainly do with more acceptance right now.

6) The naked children-taboo is a tricky one and I know that rules have been created to safeguard against child-molestation eg. kids-only places for certain hours of the day. Frankly, this is really not my concern because as parents, you are responsible for your own kids. If they get molested when coming home from school alone, who can the parents blame besides themselves (for a lack of supervision)? So if parents bring their kids to nudist events then they are to be held responsible if anything happens. I do advocate an adult-only world of naturism if it is up to me so that things would be much simpler. And oh, if I already do not care about the sensibilities of women, I would care even less about this child thing (an advantage of having your own blog is that you need not be politically-correct on it).

I have a dear friend back in Singapore who happens to be a nudist. I was tempted initially to say “a nudist friend” but I realise that he is so much more than a nudist–he is a gay activist who is actively promoting gay acceptance, something not a lot of people are doing in Singapore. A lot of people mistake him for being ultra-liberal (as if that is a bad word) and over-sexed as he pushes for nudist rights (including the right to have designated spots for public sex like in Europe) alongside gay rights. But these people are all wrong for they fail to see that once the restraint of clothes gets removed (after the wearer has absolved himself from all body issues), what else can still stand between people, their interaction and their acceptance of one another? Wouldn’t that world be a better place where there is no more racism, homophobia and discrimination of any sort? I don’t know about you but that sounds like a perfect world to me. That is why I wholly understand what my friend is fighting for. More importantly we should all fight for the same thing!

By the way, another proponent of nudist rights in Sydney brought the battle to a whole new (political) level–if you think Singapore is not ready to promote naturism then I am not sure how this guy would fit into that narrow-minded picture. And they would certainly go crazy if they were to ever visit this gym or the French town of Cap d'Agde–I would want to visit that town at least once in my lifetime.

Well on a final note, I would like to re-iterate that I do understand that naturism is not everyone’s cup of tea but so is homosexuality–does it then mean that we should deny them rights or worse still make them criminals? I certainly applaud those responsible for the recent surge in public nudity cases in Singapore. Live and let live–that is how we make the world a better place. If I have even successfully fed you some food for thought with this post then I think I would sleep happy tonight.

Here are two pictures from the nudist events I have previously attended.

Leaving Fort Road Beach in Singapore after a free-and-easy afternoon


River Island Nature Retreat in Mittagong, NSW with my NUDU mates

Friday, May 6, 2011

Musical journey (13)

5/6/7.

This is what I use to remember our anniversary date–we kind of got together on 6th May 2007 (ie. 5/6/7 in the American format). I said “kind of” because I was seeing someone else (M) back in Singapore around a month before that and it was not really working out with him. However I could not end it without really trying my best to make it work (that has always been my mantra) and so Ision was hanging on throughout that period, during which I frequently told him about my time with M and its struggles. Ision might deny this but I can clearly recall (and have the emails as evidence) him being really sad that we could not be a couple when I broke the news that I have decided to persevere on with M to him. He even wrote a poem expressing his dejection and overall state of mind during that time. That was the first and last time throughout our relationship that he has ever done that. It seems really incredulous now that I reflect on that whole episode–how upset he must have been at that time to do something that “out of his character”.

Of course that abusive thing with M died (it lasted for a month or so) and I was finally free to commit to Ision sometime around May 2007. There seemed to be a gap of about ten days between the last email indicating M and I were still together and the next email (dated 6th May 2007) clearly showing that Ision and I were a couple. I cannot recollect why there were no emails exchanged during those ten days and so we simply decided that the formal date we got together is 6th May 2007. A quick check of my trusty spreadsheet™ now throws up the formal breakup-with-M date to be 4th May 2007. I guess our anniversary could very well be on that date as I was so ready to move on immediately after that very doomed affair. But since 5/6/7 is so easy to remember, 5/6/7 it shall remain.

When I look back at the origins of us, both Ision and I really took a big risk in opening our hearts based on a long-distance thing. We all know that high risk investments = high returns and I must say in retrospect, I am glad I took that risk. We arranged to meet for the first time in August 2007 when I flew to Sydney. I gave him his half of the set of couple-rings as soon as we met (the rings that we are still wearing today) and the rest is history.

And it has been four years since 5/6/7 and it is time to celebrate our anniversary on this day. I wrote this song for Ision before I left for my vacation as I knew that I would not be with him physically today. He has not heard this song before like the rest of the world and so it is really exciting for me to release this demo here for this special occasion.

Ision, I don’t say this enough but I have grown to love (almost) every part of you down to your grumpiness and idiosyncrasies (amongst other flaws–hehe). When I come home from work, I want to see your face. When I go to bed, I want you to be beside me (so bad). When I am upset (or cold), I want you to cuddle me. When I want attention, I will make a silly noise to get some reaction from you. In fact, all those “wants” have slowly developed to become “needs” which is generally what happens when two people get so accustomed to one another.

Ision: What drugs are you on?
Kim: The drug of raaf.

Ision: BR!

If I am a junkie because of him, it would be an addiction I am happy to keep up. Why you may ask? Because he makes it so easy.


[Easy]

When you're next to me
All I want to do is breathe
Breathe you into me
And that is all I need

The world is strange
The world is cold
I can't face it
It makes me weak

But then you come and sit with me
When all I need is to breathe

Then I close my eyes
All I want to do is feel
Your big arms wrapped around me
How do you make it so easy
So easy

When you say something silly
That only we know what it means
Seeping into me
Love from these simple things

The world demands
The world denies
I don't care
It can't get to me

Without doing a thing

How do you make it so easy
So easy

Baby I know this will last forever baby
I do not use this word lightly
But I am happy

Four years it has been
Four years I've been smiling
Without doing a thing
How do you make it so
Without doing a thing
How do you make it so easy





Bibi, I love you. Happy fourth anniversary. I will be home in your arms soon.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Musical journey (12)

Have you ever been in an off-and-on-again relationship? It is hard to be objective when you are knee-deep in this vicious cycle, not to mention stand back to look at the picture. Why do people repeatedly put themselves in harm’s way just to revive something that has reached a dead end?

This month’s musical journey gives us a glimpse of one of those reasons.


[孽缘]

/词 / 曲: 锦泉/

天亮
枕边没有你, 温度下降到零下二十九点
发烫
泪水在脸颊蒸发了一整夜前早已流干啦

天暗
电话旁只有我在盼望听到你轻声说话
彷徨
时间把我冷冷地丢在一旁

受过伤, 能让人长大一点
你说谎, 怎么也不厌倦
团团转, 我像个小孩在绕圈圈
一次又一次地
被你欺, 被你哄, 被你诈, 被你骗

藕断了丝不连
何必浪费时间
去织成完整但又脆弱的感情线
不让往事重演
也许明天会过得好一点

你前世造的孽
要我偿还一切
多少次轮回我们才能不拖不欠
换得一身可怜
原来只需要那一次缠绵

回头草难以下咽
灌下的泪水太咸
到底是什么蒙着我的双眼
不懂爱要怎么戒
喝下的毒怎么解
我不想就这样
过一天算一天


[Fated to Sin]

Dawn breaks
The temperature beside me drops to minus twenty-nine in the bed without you
The tears that have seared my cheeks have long vaporised after flowing for an entire night

Night falls
Beside the phone, I am alone anticipating your whispers
Frantically afraid that time would heartlessly leave me behind

Hurt makes us grow
You never seem to get tired of lying
You spin me around like a little kid
As you repeatedly bully, coax and cheat

There is no point in wasting time and lingering around something that is broken
Just to build a seemingly complete but frail relationship
If I do not allow history to repeat itself
Maybe I can have a better tomorrow

Why do I need to repay the sins you have committed in your past lives
How many cycles of rebirth will it take for us to not owe each other anything anymore
All I want in exchange for all that wretchedness is another night of passion with you

It is too hard to look back and the tears are getting even harder to swallow
Yet I have no idea what is covering both my eyes
How can I quit this love and cure myself of the poison I drink
I refuse to continue living like this from day to day





I am literally about to open the apartment door and head for the airport, officially starting my month-long trip back home. The detailed itinerary has been set and I know I will have a very good break from work (and Australia). I will miss my bibi (very much) though. I will continue blogging whilst overseas so stay tuned for more of me!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Shrouded

Work has been busy this month and I need to clear a lot of it before I go on my one-month break back to Singapore so this will just be a short post.

Back in February, my picture was showcased in an exhibition called “Shrouded” which featured men with different media shrouding them in various ways. Some were covered in powder and charcoal, some with drapes and netting and I was covered in silver paint from chest up. The shoot only lasted for less than an hour as the photographer knew exactly what he wanted and directed me to a series of fixed poses. Then I was sprayed with water to create a running-paint effect which I thought did not turn out very clearly in the final edits. Still the whole experience was interesting as I have not done something like that before. After the shoot, I kept the silver hair intact for a white party that same night and it looked fabulous.

I went to the opening of the exhibition with a few of my friends and my picture was well-received. The silver paint intrigued some as it was not totally obvious which part of the body was painted. I guess it achieved the intended sense of the “Shrouded” theme.

Here is the entire series with the last photograph being the one featured in the exhibition, along with me posing with that shot at the exhibition. I later realised that the same picture is also on display at a clinic in the Sydney Hospital. Looks like I am really going around!