At the precipice

Having been born towards the end of the year, I have the advantage of having more time to cling onto youth and not let it get sucked away from me by the swirling sands of time. Well, I have always asserted that age is not really an important concept to me because what we do with our lives is what we should be focussing on. If you have all the youth at 20 but have not achieved anything in your life, what do you have to show for it? What is the point of being young if you have not lived? On the other end of the spectrum, if you are 40 (and not exactly ripe enough to sleep on a death-bed yet) and have reached all the life goals you have set for yourself, there is actually no need to live for another second because you will die a contented person. Therefore age to me is nothing but a number, much like time displayed on a watch, and is just something to organize the world with.

Maybe the project engineering (ie. what I am doing at work now) is getting the better of me but I sometimes see my life as a giant project schedule capable of being mapped out in a single Microsoft Access document. And as all projects go, there must be milestone checkpoints where you take stock of what you have achieved and how much of the entire project has progressed thus far. And for this project called "My Life" which I am the engineer of, I see a major checkpoint coming up soon.

The big three-O.

One by one, I have witnessed my friends go pass this checkpoint in the previous months and now it is my turn too. Different people attach various degrees of emotion to this number and from what you see on TV and in the movies, this usually is a mix between despair, panic and depression (albeit masked by comedy most of the time). For me, I feel that life actually starts after 30 but before 30, we must first plough through 0 to 29 and in case you are wondering what exactly I had to plough through, you are in luck.

0 - 13
Basically before puberty, life is nothing but a means for you to reach puberty. I feel that too many people place too much significance in a happy childhood. Granted that those formative years do have an impact on your future adult life but we should all move on from there and make the best out of what we had and came from. I did not exactly have the best of childhoods having not had a father since I was eight and up till today, I do feel one of the reasons I turned out gay was because of the cliché lack-of-father-figure reason (don't shoot me for that opinion). For years, I have gone through depression for not having a fathered childhood and beating myself up for it. But what is the point of blaming your history for your current inadequacies in life? I am gay and figured that the best way to live my life is to live it my own way with my own goals and my own dreams. My own project. And looking at life as an unfinished project gives you something to work towards to all the time.

13 - 18
Looking back at my adolescence, I see a jumbled mess of acne, poor dress sense, insecurity, childishness and ignorance all wrapped up in a sense of being lost and desperately seeking directions and belonging. I have always told my friends if the price of being young again is to live through life not knowing how to fit yourself in and failing to blend into the background despite your best efforts then I would rather not be young. All those years of looking at magazines of men in skimpy trunks and underwear, admiring the physique and musculature of post-pubescent boys not being able to attribute any grounding reason for that is just plain wrong (albeit being totally exciting at that time). Trying to constructively chip into conversations discussing women's body parts without knowing an iota of what I was saying is even more wrong. I even tried wooing a girl for goodness sake and that just goes to show how clueless and ill-equipped I was at dealing with life. Want me to relive that? That's a big fat no!

18 - 21
But we all have to be patient even when the time scale is as long as an entire life. And if you are patient enough, life will certainly reward you by being more interesting. I don't think I was all that patient (and I am still the same now) but life did get more interesting for me. What came next on the timeline were my days in the army. Although it was only two and a half years, the army deserved an entire phase of life linked to it. National Service is something you can only enjoy in retrospect -- I recall seeing it as a complete waste of time (being stuck in an utterly inefficient system that the government still wants to package as something exciting, worth doing and to be proud of). But now, I realize that those years really shaped a lot of my current views on life along with the methods to deal with it. Being in an artificially-constructed environment in which people from all walks of life are forced into yours accelerates growth much faster than most people can acknowledge it. In the army, I had a glimpse of how life really is and it was nothing like what I have been taught at all.

21 - 25
The next four years of my life came and went in a flash. It seemed like a lifetime then but it was essentially a speck in the hourglass. When I was in the university, the only friends I had were lecture notes, tutorial assignments, tests, term papers and exams. I did not learn much about life and to be honest, I actually lost a huge chunk of it. Being the control freak that I am, school was always a stressful thing for me because it was something with results I had complete control over. Striving for perfection when there was so much to do left me no time to live out what a lot of people view as the most valuable period of one's life (a.k.a the period of reckless youth). The worst thing is that I did not get the best possible results attainable having been pumping in effort worth so much more than what I aimed to achieve! That is a smudge in my Microsoft Access document that will remain forever to taunt me and to remind me that sometimes in life, instead of being able to reap what you sow, you get ripped off.

25 - 29
So I was fresh out of university and with the world being my oyster, it was a time to set goals and plot a path to them. These years of my life were spent looking for a good job ("good" here means something that I don't hate and pays enough to allow me to live the life I want to live), and ultimately a good man ("good" here means "final destination"). Of course there was the sexual experimentation of all sorts (within reasonable limits) typical of youngsters of that age (it might be a tad late to Gen-Z standards though) which I believed helped to crystallize my desire to settle down knowing that I have sufficiently played the field. This four-year journey took me to the States for a bit where I saw another part of the world that I realized I was entitled to choose to live in. I saw for the first time what was available out there beyond the huge and thick imprisoning bars of the ironically small red dot on the map. My life was injected with a lasting chemical, biological and psychological high that left an imprint on all the future goals that I was to set for myself. Somehow from then, I knew that I must get out of Singapore and I must do it as soon as possible. It was venomous (and still is) and I had to run away before I get infected. So slowly (and sometimes sub-consciously) my plan of migration took form in my mind and as soon as I could associate a face to that form, that was my cue to fly.

And here I am standing at the precipice of year 29 looking back, I see that everything prior to now has a reason and plays a part in where and how I am now. The good, the bad, the sweet and sad all serve a purpose. And again I will have to start ploughing the fields, sowing the seeds and patiently wait for them to grow into trees that will provide shade for me in the future. Although age is a nothing but a number, it is still better if it were a nice round one. There, life is getting better already and I don't even have to do anything.

Out

I am not sure if many of you know this but Singapore has recently relaxed the anti-demonstration laws and gays are capitalizing on that to organize a mini gay pride parade at the only government-designated space for such "demonstrations" -- Speaker's Corner of Hong Lim Park.

You might find the concept funny -- having a parade in such a small area but it is important for the gay population in Singapore because it sets a precedence. It is also an opportunity to show the rest of the nation that we are but like them, normal and well-adjusted Singapore citizens. It is a daring move by the organizers and I applaud them. I have waited for this for so long but now that it might really be happening, I can only watch it from across the ocean for I am now so far away. Words cannot imagine how frustrated and sad I can get knowing that I will miss this historical event. You will have my moral support, the brave homosexuals of Singapore. It is time to step out of the closet and I will be there with you in all your hearts waving the rainbow flag so high.

I urge all of you (straights and gays) to attend the parade if you can -- that's why I am writing this in my blog to spread the word. Please leave a comment expressing your interest and I will point you in the right direction. This event has also been reported by The New Paper. But you will be surprised at the level of apathy in Singapore -- there are actually many gays who are completely unaware of this! Come on, I know freedom should be afforded to us by the government in a democratic country but Singapore is different (not right but it is just so) -- we must fight for our freedom as much as against the hypocrisy the government is knee-deep in.

To whet your appetite, here is an extract of what the parade organizers have tentatively put together:

===============================================

Date: 15 Nov 08, Saturday
Time: 5pm - 7pm
Venue: Hong Lim Park, Speaker's Corner

Proposed Theme:
Gays Are Like You and Me

Objectives:
1) To be publicly heard as gay or gay-friendly men and women
2) To show Singapore that her gays citizens are like you and me
3) To lobby for gay equality in all aspects of life

Target Audience:
All people currently resident in Singapore. We welcome family members, friends, colleagues, schoolmates, and everyone who is gay-friendly and accepting

Icons and Banners to be displayed:
1) "Gays Are Like You and Me"
2) The Rainbow Flag

Event Souvenir:
Bookmark

Dress Code:
Casual (what you would wear when walking down the street)

Theme Songs:
Over The Rainbow - Judy Garland
Make It Happen - Mariah Carey
We Shall Overcome - African-American Equal Rights Theme Song

Important Note:
Keep the park clean

Tentative Programme:
5:00pm - 5:15pm Assembly
5:15pm - 5:45pm Welcome and opening speeches
5.45pm - 6.00pm Briefing on March
6.00pm - 6.15pm First round of March
6.15pm - 6.20pm Short Briefing / Break
6.20pm - 6.35pm Second round of March / Songs
6.35pm - 6.50pm Public Forum: "Why is there so much shame associated with being gay in Singapore and what can we do about it?"
6.50pm - 7.00pm Thank you speech
7.00pm onwards Dinner Time; Free & Easy

Publicity
Flyers: Distribute to bath houses, pubs, fitness centres, etc
Banners: Online and offline -- PLU, Fridae, Sgboy, IRC, Signel, Spaces (Oogachaga), Safehaven, Men After Work, Yawning Bread, Heartlander, Fabulous Asia, and any other PLU-related sites

Committee Members:
Parade Leader
Assistant Parade Leader
Secretary / Time Keeper
Treasurer
PR Manager, including briefing the media on which segment of the gathering is non-comfortable with being caught on video or photographed
Team Leaders
Graphics / Webpage Designer / Facebook or Yahoo!Groups co-ordinator

To-Do List:
Setting the deadlines
Recruit committee members
Meetings
Publicity
Print Park terms & conditions (http://www.nparks. gov.sg)
Get graphic designer to do flyer and bookmark
Video and music
Make small coloured flags for all participants
Make placard and banners
Get name tag / stickers
Bring trash bags

Logistics:
Talk to Hong Lim Park Cafe to arrange for food & drinks
Buy whistles, rattles, ghetto blaster
Get pole for rainbow flag
Forming a committee
Arrange for first meeting
Get the songs lyrics and practise with all

===============================================

We all know how organized gays can get right? So are you impressed yet? There are actually many gay activists in Singapore organizing many activities for the community eg. seminars, workshops, talks, etc and I have attended many of them. The biggest one is the annual month-long Gay Pride event called Indignation (it coincides with National Day) which consists of many small events. Take a peek at IndigNation 2008 at http://www.plu.sg/indignation. Gay life is actually not all that boring when you strip off the clubbing, sex and drugs. We should all get involved and keep the gay flame of Singapore burning strong.

To do my part for the inaugural gay pride parade, I have put together an MTV of the Mandarin song I have written during the time when we had a fighting chance to tear down 377A and I wanted to make that the theme song to garner more support (but no one got to hear it). I then wanted to share the song with the community during IndigNation 2008 but alas I did not have the chance to perform it before I left for Sydney. Finally I can present it here as my support for the parade. The song is called " 傲 " which means "pride". I find this title especially apt because it sounds very much like the word "out".

Here are the words to the song (as well as a rough English translation) followed by the video:


[傲]

爱一个人的自由我没有, 这又有什么理由
你试图掠夺我们权力的拥有, 如此丑陋
我们再也不能够, 无条件等候
让我们在今天圆梦

我们的傲气比天高, 绝不让人嘲笑
迎着逆风, 我们能飞向天涯飞到海角
若能够用这力量去创造
平等待遇的一天会来到

我们的傲气比天高, 绝不让人嘲笑
誓要用无极限的爱, 把这世界改造
我们知道, 你不是不能是不要
请你听听我们这祷告

那道彩虹在空中, 七色虽不同
但我们得团结行动

我们的傲气比天高, 绝不让人嘲笑
不屈不挠, 要世人看清我们坚忍的容貌
若自己不主动争取寻找
我们生活怎能够更美好

我们的傲气比天高, 绝不让人嘲笑
你我他之间的差异, 是如此渺小
为什么你总不去理会不明了
我们急切的需要

我们的傲气比天高, 绝不让人嘲笑
我爱一个人的自由, 你主宰得不了
手牵手, 心中涌现的骄傲
我们现在要让你看到



[Pride]

I do not have the right to love a human being
How can there be a reason behind that?
You try to snatch our rights from us, how very ugly of you
We can no longer wait without any conditions
Let us realize our dream today

Our pride is high and mighty, we will not stand to be mocked
Against the wind, we can fly towards the ends of the world
If we harness this energy to create
The day of equal treatment will come

Our pride is high and mighty, we will not stand to be mocked
We swear to use love that knows no bounds to change the world
We know it is not that you cannot but do not want to
Please listen to our prayers

That rainbow in the sky, though it has seven different colours
We must all unite and strike together

Our pride is high and mighty, we will not stand to be mocked
Unwavering, we want the people of the world to see our strong and determined faces
If we do not fight and seek for ourselves
How can we better our lives?

Our pride is high and mighty, we will not stand to be mocked
The differences between you, him and I are so very minuscule
Why do you keep trying to not care and understand our urgent needs?

Our pride is high and mighty, we will not stand to be mocked
My freedom to love another is something you can have no control over
Hand in hand, the pride that surges from our hearts
We want you to see it now





Do you like the song/video? It is a tribute to all the brave gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered folks in Singapore staying on to fight the fight. One day we will claim what is rightfully ours and on that day, our pride will be so high and mighty, no one will ever mock us again.

Affirmation from a Ball

The long weekend is over and it is back to work again. You might recall that both Ision and I were dieting and one of the reasons for that was so as to look good for a major gay dance party called Sleaze Ball.

In Sydney, such parties take place every few months or so with the biggest one being Mardi Gras. As for Sleaze, which has been taking place during the Labour Day long weekend since 1982, the 6000 – 7000 tickets were completely sold out this year. We got discounted ones at $115 a pop. The event was held at the Hordern Pavilion at Fox Studios, a place where big rock concerts and exhibitions were held.

We had a relaxing day earlier and tried taking a nap before the event so that we could stay up late. I knew something was wrong right from the start as I did not feel any excitement prior to it. But still, I have not attended a gay dance party of this scale so I had to see it with my own eyes (the closest one I "attended" was the very last Nation Party in Singapore only to see it banned right after purchasing the tickets!).

We made our way to the rendezvous point and the 5 of us (3 of which were Ision's friends) started walking towards the venue (it took about 45 minutes) and the clock struck midnight soon after. During the walk, I kept hoping that I would slowly get higher and more psyched for the event but the elusive climax never saw the light of day. We entered the party grounds via the long (quiet) way and were a little worried that we might be on the wrong track.

The first thing that greeted us was not hunky gay men but pudgy female police officers inspecting our bags. There was a tiny sign at the gate listing the prohibited items (which they said had been posted on the website so we should have known beforehand) and one of the items was liquids. Well, there was a bottle of moisturizing mist in Ision’s bag and he was so furious that that was not allowed in because he felt that there was no way anyone would have known that liquids were banned (a new rule) prior to the event. An argument between Ision and the officers ensued. To diffuse the tense situation, I quickly ran to a nearby shrub with the bottle and hid it safely and got on with the night – I get very affected by awkward situations and the foul moods of people around me. So essentially, the already-dead partying spirit in me just got buried under another layer of dirt.

The theme of the party was “Villain’s Lair” so to dress to it, one is supposed to either be a superhero or a superbaddie. What we saw mostly were people in leather, something which Ision has not seen so much of before, not even at leather-themed parties! I gathered that leather was the closest to the theme and was something many already had at home so it was a simple get-up. It made complete sense – imagine how difficult and cumbersome it would be to dress in an elaborate costume during a crowded dance party only to take it all off on the dance floor right? (by the way there is no other way to dance in a party other than being topless – at least for me).

We adjourned to the centre of the dance floor only to discover that there was terrible live singing (occasionally out of tune) going on and not-so-attractive people all around us. This was supposed to be a major event graced by the A-Gays of Sydney but all around us were [PC mode on] aesthetically- and youth-challenged people [PC mode off]. When the terrible singer finally got off the stage, what was pumped out of the speakers was atrocious house music – something that I could NEVER EVER dance to. I thought I finally escaped the poor music of the Singaporean gay clubs but this was (I am very sad to say this) worse! So as my shoulders rubbed against others’ in the tight confines of Gay Party Central, my feet were shuffling ever so listlessly. I never expected it to be like this at all.

The minutes and seconds ticked laboriously away into the night and my hope of better music started to wear thin and my lower back (as there was no space to stand in any way other than totally upright) and neck (as I was shorter than most of the people around me dancing in my face, I had to constantly look up) started to ache. I had to take a rest and so we went to take a seat at the designated resting area. One thing I discovered was that if you want to see cute hunky guys, stay at the perimeter of the dance floor and not go in. I don’t exactly know why but that was just so.

And so one of the most happening events in gay Sydney degenerated into an exhausting night of people-watching, which was not all that bad because there were some pretty amazingly- (and weirdly-) costumed people around. I guess the night not only served the purpose of dance but also of giving people the chance to break free of their everyday shackles and be who they really are. But what was left for people like us (people who are themselves all the time) to do when only such un-fabulous “music” was puking out of the sound system? So slumped in a chair our bodies continued. I was so glad at that point that I did not spend a single cent on getting a good leather costume for the party (the perfect outfit would have cost me $350)!

One of Ision’s friends (as well as many others on the dance floor) found a good way to stay high despite the lows ie. chemically. Prior to the event, this friend stocked up loads of these laboratory wonders so that they could unleash their mind-altering powers on a night like this. One of my undying principles is never to take mood-enhancers (including poppers). First they are expensive and I feel that I do not need any assistance to help me enjoy myself. If something is not enjoyable, it shall remain so because that is just how it is. Of course there are also the obvious health reasons. But this time around, I started thinking along the lines of if-I-were-to-ever-break-this-principle-of-mine-it-would-be-this-party because all stars seemed to be aligned, ready for me to let go of it. In addition to that, I have always been curious too – what does the word “high” really mean? And when all these elements got jumbled up along with a persistent friend who kept pushing the “little piece of chewable pleasure” to me, I guess there was nothing else I could do but to give it a go (only if Ision agreed to go halves with me). In case you are wondering what this $45 item in question is, I will drop a hint here: “anti-natural log of 1”.

And this was how one of the historical events took place in my life. Mind you, it was only half and so nothing was really expected but different people react differently and first-timers need to play it safe because you never know…

An hour or so passed and still there was no sign of music-improvement and it was already 5 in the morning. That was the last straw and we decided to leave – I wanted to experience a major gay dance party and I did. And just when we were about to leave, the magical effects of the pharmaceutical started kicking in. Everything seemed so clear as if my eyesight has improved beyond perfect vision. Also, all the fatigue I have been dragging along with my feet throughout the night seemed to disappear into thin air. I really felt that I could stay up for many more hours (the number was actually 5). It made me wonder – what if I had taken more than half of it... But still I had no reason to stay when the music continued to suck that hard (my ability to enjoy myself at dance parties depends SOLELY on the music) and so we began walking home. I was also looking forward to eating at the end of the event as I was so very hungry. Ision's friend later regaled us with how the music went from bad to fab right after we left (urgh).

So we walked hand-in-hand away from the claustrophobic ball of noise and sweat as the night sky peeled off along with all the party superficialities and slowly turned to light. I guess the night was not totally uneventful after all. Some people continue to skip, hop and jump (not to mention jerk, blow and screw) in the scene well after they have settled down but Ision and I are different and I got to fully confirm that over those 6 miserable hours. The name of my blog says it all – I have SO moved on to the next phase of my life and partying just does not fit in any more. I am not saying this from a moral high-horse perspective as there is absolutely nothing wrong about partying (heck, I love dancing topless if the music is right), this is just how my personal journey is playing out. Perhaps I am really getting old (and not just whining about it).

Whatever the reason might be, I am glad that I attended this year’s Sleaze Ball because not only had I broken new grounds, my beliefs got boosted with affirmation.

Vignettes of life (part 3)

The Case of “Been There, Done That”

I have always felt that one of my most endearing and admirable trait is how steadfast I can be in my goal to find true love. I do not set goals easily because I know once I do, my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) will auto-pilot my way towards the target. My past goals include getting a good university degree, a good body, leaving Singapore for greener pastures, and of course finding true love. You will see that I have achieved all those owing much of course to my OCD. However the thing about goal-achieving is once you have done that, what else is there to do? Well, one can always start enjoying the fruits of his labour or make goal-setting the next goal. These are all good advice but there is more.

I was in the Gold Class cinema lounge watching “The Mummy” with Ision the other night and a plus-sized black woman came and sat beside us. Immediately after that, she asked if we were married as she overheard us talking in married-couple-lingo (about my ugly cuticles being a manicurist’s nightmare). It was such a sweet question and both of us started talking to her as she went on to express her views against the opponents of gay marriage.

That scene in the cinema lounge was what I have never ever imagined being something accessible to me just a few years ago and now it is all happening. The bits and pieces of life seem to be falling nicely into place. When you have fought so hard and wanted so much for something to come true, you cannot help but feel a vacuous sensation in your heart when that dream is finally realised. Other than happiness and contentment, what else is there in the pipeline? What then can fill that void? In the first place, is there really a void and even if there is, is that void really a problem? With regards to my goal of finding true love, is it a clear-cut case of “been there, done that”?

Fortunately (“fortunately” might not be the right word) as Ision and I start our new lives together, there are new challenges that we have to face and they become nice distractions to fill that void. One perfect example would be the maintenance of my lean, toned body. When I was still living in Singapore and after my periodic Sydney visits, I always find myself having to work extra hard to lose the weight I have gained during the vacation. It is no different this time round except there is no post-Sydney space and time for me to starve and exercise all that fat out of me. Mind you, I am doing twice as much cardio as in Singapore but the fact that even that does not help prompts me to conclude that there is something fundamentally fattening about Sydney or for that matter, living in a Western country. It must be the food portions, the cold weather, cheap comfort food (as opposed to more expensive health food – especially when your wallet is suffering from the shock of a surge in cost of living), my feeling happier and more well-adjusted or all of the above. Since I have arrived, I have put on more than 2 kgs and I have lost a little of the definition of my pride and joy – my abs. Luckily the weight-gain seemed to have stopped but unluckily this means that this unsatisfactory new steady state might have to be my future from now on.

And here lies the conflict that has been playing in my mind for a long time. Years ago, I started making the gym my church to boost my self-esteem (shallow I know, but it did the trick) and also to land myself a partner with the improved body. I have always wondered whether I should ease on my gym-OCD now that I no longer have self-esteem issues (I think I might have issues of narcissism now – ah, the wonders of OCDs) and nights lying alone in my bed. Should I be contented with my body’s definition-loss or should I continue to work hard to improve it for the sake of myself (ie. to feed my ego)? Sometimes I think I should choose the latter as we all need to maintain our looks to keep ourselves attractive to our partners but I also get bogged down by thoughts of starving myself and slaving in the gym. I have a big ego, don’t get me wrong but in the face of a change in one’s phase of life (new country and new “married” life), should one’s self-pride be quelled in tandem? I find myself continually trapped in the middle of this tussle.

I used to always lean towards the working hard side but of late, I am heeled to let myself go with the flow of life. But then again knowing myself, can I possibly stand losing something that I know I have absolute control over? I think it is now evident how such mental struggles can serve as perfect distractions to the “been there, done that” syndrome.

Even if I do attain no clarity on this issue, I know in my heart that life is made up of both goals as well as the paths that lead to those goals. More importantly, I know that most goals in life (at least the important ones) are non-static. You can lose the love of your life, lose your figure and lose all the successes that you have toiled day and night to achieve in an instant. Once you can see this, there will be no such thing as “been there, done that” because “there” and “that” are such fleeting concepts that they simply do not exist.

So Ision, I will strive hard not only to preserve but to fortify our love using all means possible. And body, I will continue to make you proud of your owner (and vice versa).

Vignettes of life (part 2)

The Case of “The Betrayal”

A few weeks ago over lunch with a girlfriend, I innocently asked her why wasn’t her husband there, she told me that they were having some kind of a disagreement. To many, “disagreement” might be too casual a term to describe the situation. You see, she has recently found out that he has been surfing gay porn sites as well as having a correspondence with a friend he got to know from Gaydar (a gay personals website). The said correspondence actually stopped at “let’s meet up for coffee and see where this goes.”

If you were the wife in question, how would you feel right now? What should the first thing be done towards handling or even solving the problem?

The most important issue is not a matter of trust in this case. Although theoretically the husband has been doing things behind her back, we should not focus on that. The problem is a multi-layered one and even if you managed to rectify the issue of the lie, you have a much bigger problem in your hands – the problem of your husband’s sexuality.

Most people would take the side of the wife in this domestic conflict but we should see how this is painful for the husband as well. Imagine a man forced by society to hide his sexuality all his life. Living a lie is far worse than telling one. I am not saying that suffering the darkness of being in the closet absolves the crime of lying to someone you love but being the recipient of that love, you should step back and look at the big picture.

The first thing that the couple can do is to start a communication line going and this is dependent on whether or not the husband has accepted his sexuality. If there is no acceptance, there is a lot of work to be done on his part and this can take years. The wife must then ask herself if she is willing to wait for him to come to grips with it. The last thing anyone should do is to try to change his sexual orientation because it is impossible. With or without the resolution of the husband’s sexuality issue, the couple can seek counselling to try to handle that communication that is so important yet so hard to kick-start at this moment.

If the husband turns out to be bisexual (and not gay), there is still room for the wife to continue working on the problem. Many do not believe that bisexuals can be monogamous because they feel that one single gender simply cannot satisfy all the needs of bisexuals and we all know how strong men’s sexual urges can be. If you really love your bisexual husband and don’t want to lose him, the only route I can think of is an open relationship. I know this is unfair to the wife because she is the only strictly faithful one but it is very easy for a man to segregate love from sex (that is if the husband does love his wife). If the wife can be that open, the relationship will work out fine.

As you can see, there are so many layers to work through before this issue can really be resolved. More often than not, we either don’t have the patience or are not so open-minded. Also, there usually is no open line of communication when the issue of infidelity is involved because of all the lies and betrayal that has been thrown to the surface. The underlying make-or-break factor is love and I mean strong love from both parties. If you have it and let it be your motivating force and guide, there is a much higher chance of this working out.

So how can we avoid this problem from happening in the first place? I guess we can never do it, especially in a society that is not progressive and open-minded. When a bisexual or gay person lives in such a society, there is a very high tendency to hide his or her sexual orientation and this (not the gayness itself) poses real societal problems (gays getting into doomed marriages and families breaking up subsequently). Only when society opens up can we be truly honest to one another right from the start and maybe all this pain and frustration can be averted. But our lives go on regardless of how slow or fast the society progresses so I guess we just have to deal with it when it punches us in the face. Fortunately, gay relationships do not suffer this fate because we know for sure we are gay and get together without even realising that this could actually be a problem for many. I pity the straights that are in this predicament, I really do. But I blame the society and all the external factors (eg. government, politics, religion, etc) curbing the evolution of a progressive world.

I gave all the advice I could think of to my girlfriend and right now they are at the stage of sweeping everything under the rug as if nothing has happened as the husband is likely to have not come to terms with his sexual orientation yet. But do you think they don’t know what’s coming to hit them eventually?

Vignettes of life (part 1)

As you all know, life is made up of nice (and some not so nice) little pictures tucked neatly into the 2 albums called the Brain and the Heart. And as with all pictures, they fade and degrade and after a long time, we can no longer know what the pictures are trying to tell us -- these pictures are the ones stored in the Brain album. If you really want to preserve pictures (especially the most treasured ones), be sure to put them in the Heart album. They will always be there for you to remember and enjoy for the rest of your life.

I will share some of these vignettes from my recent life with you over the next few weeks. They are still fresh in the Brain album.


The Case of "The Irritating Colleague"

When I left my job in Singapore, the company was going through (and still is) a very common problem, that is the influx of cheaper (and more easily satisfied) foreign workers. The company can pay them less because they come from poorer countries and they are also willing to work harder for the same buck than their Singaporean counterparts (who have risen above the "poverty level"). This influx usually makes the workforce less cohesive, leads to anti-harmony in the workplace and saps the already-dwindling fun out of it. However this is inevitable as a country progresses and so its people must somehow find a way to swim or sink.

Under this umbrella term "foreign workers" are a few major sub-divisions which differ in notoriety. I have always heard complaints from friends (both from the engineering industry as well as others) that foreign workers from a particular country step on their toes especially hard. I have always reserved judgement because I have not worked with these people on an intimate level. But this global sweeping workforce-conversion phenomenon has finally gotten to me and now I know the basis of these complaints. I will not mention the country in context but I think many of you will be able to guess it anyhow.

Irritating colleague trait #1: Always trying to get his face into the picture
Example: The boss and I were talking about me completing all the required online training within a particular day. He was not even in the conversation but had to force his way into it by saying "I also completed the training". In actual fact, I did more online training than him on that day.

Irritating colleague trait #2: Being ultra-friendly to colleagues but totally foul-mouthed outside
Example: He would be all friendly and Westerner-like to the people working in the office but he would be very quick to swear at things like slow drivers, late trains, etc. If you are a friendly person by nature, you won't swear like that. That is simply what I am trying to say.

Irritating colleague trait #3: Not respecting the privacy of others and being very rude
Example #1: I am at my desk writing on my work journal and he would pop behind me and look over my shoulder at what I was writing and then ask me what I was writing. Is that any of his business?
Example #2: He had problems with his computer and wanted to try something on mine. I was not using my computer then but was just beside it reading. He simply walked over and started using my computer FIRST before asking. What is this? The stone age?
Example #3: During one of the training sessions, I placed my handphone face down on the table where he sat as well. Without asking, he just took it up and looked at it. My goodness! Need I continue? Of course Ision's face was my phone's wallpaper and he had to ask who that was. I simply said that he is my partner (my mini coming out story) and nothing more on that came from him. Thank God! I wouldn't want to educate a caveman on human sexuality.
Example #4: We were talking to the boss in his cubicle and he just proceeded to flip through my boss' documents laid out on the table. This is rather telling -- invading the privacy of others with his rudeness is simply his innate dysfunctional behaviour (and not even the boss can escape from his "wrath"). He really doesn't know it is something very rude!!

As all of you already know, I am a person who tries to avoid conflict and awkward situations as much and as best as I can. So I did not really express my disapproval to all the things I cannot stand about him. One might call me a doormat... But I know I have a breaking point like every one else and once that threshold is crossed, I will make myself heard. So far it is still bearable because unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary, I will not talk to him and distancing myself from him like that (and in the process identifying him as a bumpkin from a third world country) has helped to make me feel better in his presence. We started as new employees on the same day and I guess we still have a long way to go and that is yet another reason why I refuse to blow things up unnecessarily. It also doesn't help that we get to and from work on the same shuttle bus and train line. Sigh. Why can't he be a cute hunky Caucasian?

How would you deal with a person like that if you were in my shoes? And have you guessed which country he is from?

Just another Australian worker

I guess I am just another (2-week old) Australian worker now and thankfully so I must say! You remember all the drama I went through when I was still searching for a job? At least now life can go back to a somewhat normal state.

A little bit about my job before I carry on. My job title is "Development Process Engineer" and I work a very large EPCM (Engineering, Procurement & Construction Management) company. The thing that makes the job different is that I am contracted out to a client company (1.5-hour train and shuttle bus ride away) to help them with their Process Design work. For non-engineers, Process Design is basically the design of facilities and equipment that are needed to run the production processes. Some might ask -- hasn't the plant been built already? What else do you need to do? Well lots. For instance, if the plant wants to increase its production or produce another grade of product (e.g. according to new government regulations on clean fuels) then we have to first help assess if the existing facilities are sufficient and if they are not, we have to design them based on the company's requirements and that involves a lot of work depending on the scale of the project. The things that we do range from hydraulic and relief studies, sizing pumps, heat exchangers, distillation columns and tanks to risk assessment of existing as well as new facilities. Then the design details are sent to the Project Controls group for cost-estimation and the entire proposal is submitted to management to approve. Upon approval, we can then do more detailed design until we can start to procure the actual equipment and put them all together in the plant during the construction phase of the project. The last step would be to commission the new facilities making sure that they run according to design. As Development Process Engineers, we are involved in every phase of this entire process up till commissioning but as the project progresses, we get less involved and the Project Engineer takes over.

So that is in a nutshell what Development Process Engineers do.

But that is not necessarily what I am doing at the moment and thus the point I want to make. Being a contractor based in the company of the client, you can't help but to feel that you are the slave who is given all the dirty work that no one wants to do. And indeed that is the best one-line summary of the project I am working on at the moment. I kind of knew the plight of contractors because the work I was doing previously in Singapore also involved interaction with such contractors. However when you are one, the reality of it all sinks in. It is actually not that bad because I am rather new to Process Design so even a very low-level project can be a source of learning and personal development. However if I were more experienced (the original job advertisement asked for a person with 7 years of experience!), I would find this job meaningless and even demeaning. Right now, I worry that I might be a little too inexperienced for this position because I was a Process Designer for only 6 months in my previous company. I expressed this concern during the interview but they assured me that they need people new to the job as well. Well my black-and-white resume is there in their records and they should be fully aware that I only have this limited knowledge of what I am currently doing. I know I should take it easy and just learn on the job but I cannot help myself for the thought of the steep learning curve I have to climb is quite daunting. But when I tell myself that this is Australia, land of the laid-back souls, it does not seem that bad after all. By the way, I wake up at about 5am to reach work at about 7.20am. My (flexible) office hours are from 7.30am to 3.50pm (including half an hour of lunch break -- we usually eat and work at the same time because we all want to leave work on time).

I know a lot of you reading this are very interested in the salary that I am currently getting -- so typically Singaporean and Chinese! Don't worry, I will give you an idea somewhere in this post.

I think most of you know that tax is a real bitch in Australia and there are good reasons for that. We have a very good health care and welfare system. For Permanent Residents and citizens, they can visit the doctor and pay a fraction of the fees only (co-payment) and everyone gets this benefit. Also if you are unemployed, you can get payouts from the government and I heard from someone that it is quite a substantial amount, like $1500 a month. Singapore got it wrong when the welfare system was rejected for a "clutch" mentality was thought to be a strict no-no and everyone is supposed to work to their bones to earn a living. Australia is on a welfare system and do you think it is a worse-off country? People here are happy, relaxed and very well adjusted. I hardly see that in Singapore where everyone is either chasing after something unattainable or even worse still, what everyone else is having. It is quite sad...

Ision told me before I arrived that I should not start believing that the Australian work culture is any better than Singapore's for fear that I would get disappointed with too high an expectation. But now I can safely say that yeah, it is really better!!! I am still getting used to the idea but here, people are visibly more relaxed at work and there is a lot of chatting amongst colleagues. They also work at a very comfortable pace without appearing stressed at all. They come to work on time and leave on time (unlike Singapore!!!) with absolutely no pressure from their peers and superiors. And most important of all, the work still gets done!!! Either Australians are super-duper efficient (I think they are just like everyone else though) or it is just proper workload-assignment. You see, Singaporean employers take advantage of their workers by hiring a little less than the number that is actually required (cheaper to do so) and hence everyone has to work more to cover for these missing workers. Singaporeans are also kiasu (which cannot be helped) and this breeds irrational competition and comparison and things like staying late in the office just to keep up appearances happen (even when there is little actual work to be done). Employers then take further advantage of that and it all becomes a vicious cycle.

Back home, I am always seen as the slacker (and at times even treated with disdain) when I treasure my personal time and life more than the work piling up in the office and I have always hated Singapore for that. That is why I think I have really found a place that suits me and my views on life. I am so glad that I have made the right decision to move here. I urge everyone who finds Singapore life unsatisfactory to do the same too and do it as early as possible both for the sake of your health and well-being and also because it is easier to apply for Permanent Residency when you are younger (when you can be more productive and hence beneficial to the country). The bottomline -- only when one feels relaxed and unstressed can one get genuinely motivated to contribute at work and be creative, proactive and strive towards making the company better. How many of you can say from the bottom of your heart that one of the reasons you work is to make the company better? In my opinion, a company is truly great only if it has employees that think like that. If it treats people like slaves (in terms of workload and work benefits), then all it will ever get is slave productivity and slave loyalty.

My colleagues are rather nice people but in Australia, colleagues at work remain as colleagues at work. Everyone has their personal lives outside of work (regardless of whether they are single, attached, married or with kids) and rarely do work and personal lives mix, which I think is good. The close group of friends I had in my ex-company is really not representative of real work life so although I miss this friendly atmosphere at my workplace, I know a lack of it is a reality of life, or at least a reality of the Australian work life.

My department is very small (only 7 people -- one from UK, one from India, one from USA, one from Iran and 2 locals -- a pretty international mix). I report technically to the department head of the company I am seconded to and to another manager of my own company for HR-related matters. I don't know all my colleagues well enough to comment on their characters (although I think I already have enough materials on one particular person to do some serious bitching at the moment -- more to come in future posts) and frankly I don't think I want to attach a human perspective to this group of people -- they will forever remain as just colleagues and not personal friends. That way, I can concentrate on my job and segregate my personal self from work better. That is what everyone is doing and I must follow suit (which explains why my work environment can get a little cold and I am not talking about the weather -- it also doesn't help that my open-concept office is but a container outside the main building). Another good reason for this work/personal segregation is so I can keep my outspoken character under wraps which will greatly help me in surviving well beyond my 3-month probationary period. I always know that first impressions last but I just need to be myself most of the time and sometimes I cannot help it but to ignore caring about what others think of me during this sensitive period. Ision and I have decided to only move to a bigger apartment when I get my job-confirmation and I think this is a wise idea.

OK, time for some Mathematics.

We have a scheme here that is similar to Singapore's Central Provident Fund (CPF) system and we call it superannuation or super for short. It is a mandatory 9% of the gross salary (some companies pay more) that will be deposited with a commerical fund manager that will manage the investments made with that money. When the platform is a commercial one, there is accountability and transparency. When the funds are managed by the all-powerful government (a la Singapore), it becomes a black box and who knows what is done with your hard-earned money (go do a little research on GIC and Temasek Holdings). But I digress... When you get your pay cheque, the 9% has already been deducted (some companies offer super on top of the base salary instead).

Then there is the tax. As with all tax calculations, a sliding scale method is used, ie. the more you earn the more you are taxed. For my current salary, I am taxed about 24% (this percentage is not fixed and changes depending on which bracket my income falls under). This tax will automatically be deducted from your salary and what you get in your pay cheque is what you get to keep in the bank. This is good because then you will not have to worry about filing your taxes and tax-evasion will not be a problem to the government. But many people perform a tax return procedure at the end of the fiscal year to get some taxed income back (eg. charitable donations are tax-deductible).

However there is no Annual Wage Supplement (ie. bonus) system here. Perhaps this is because people here are paid enough to begin with and hence need no supplements to boost their low income! My current monthly salary here post-tax and post-superannuation is $445 more than my last-drawn post-tax and post-CPF salary (inclusive of bonuses) back in Singapore. Although if you include CPF/superannuation (since theoretically this will be your money eventually), the above figure becomes slightly negative. So in a sense I am earning slightly more back home but if you include the currency conversion and considering the worst-case scenario, I am actually earning much more here in Australia.

So in summary, I make more money here with better work/life balance, a more superior health care/welfare system, living amongst friendlier people in a far more open-minded society, and above all with the love and support from the man I hold closest to my heart. Why would I ever want to go back to Singapore?

Well, money certainly is not everything and I am sure you have heard this before time and again. But it's true! Quality of life is something money cannot buy and I believe I have found it here. It is really not that elusive you know, you just have to open your eyes, see the world and move beyond the narrow (oh so narrow) perspectives of this box you call Singapore.

In the country

It began with a rip-off a.k.a the train ride to the airport. Because the station is privately-owned, it has been decided that any poor suckers who lands on it has to pay more than 5 times the price of a usual ticket. The fare jumps from $2.60 to $14.00 passing through the airport and back again making this one of Ision’s travelling pet peeves. But I guess nobody can have anything against convenience for the domestic airport is only 6 stops away.

The budget ($69 one way) domestic plane ride went better than I expected most probably because I slept through more than half of it. Also, it was timed just long enough to not make Ision complain about the crammed conditions. Come to think of it, there weren’t any screaming babies either and that helped a lot. Ision later mentioned that I was the only Asian on board which on closer thought was not that surprising for we were going to the Australian countryside, not a crowded shopping centre or cheap city restaurant. I guess it was high time for a city boy like me to get immersed in all that Australia has to offer, somewhere untainted by city lights.

We landed in Ballina slightly more than an hour later in a small domestic airport which was nothing like an airport at all (more like a bus interchange). It was easy to spot Roger (Ision’s father) in the crowd. I didn’t expect it but I did feel a little surge of family when I saw him. I lost my father when I was 8 years old and the last time I saw Roger, he went on and on with his fatherly tales and that brought me so much warmth, something valuable that I missed out on all my adolescent and adult life.

We travelled very lightly and so the next instant we were on our hour-long way to our destination in Ashby. We were greeted by much small town scenery punctuated with vast fields of sugar cane, open spaces and perfect weather. The land rover finally pulled into this dirt road with a mailbox so I thought home must be near but we went on, rising, dropping and winding (they call those sheer drops and hairpin turns) for another kilometre or so till the landscape opened up to reveal a cozy-looking house on top of a hill with a “lawn” that stretched beyond where I could see clearly. Welcome home.

Ision has not been home since 4 years ago and his father wanted him to go home urgently to help him with some chores (more on that later) that he could not perform himself due to old age. The trip was also timely as I am starting work on Monday and this could be my last getaway before I get swept up and lost in the much-needed focus on my career. Frankly I don’t think I deserve this vacation for I have not undergone much stress (other than the stress of relocation and finding a job. Hmm… maybe I deserve it after all) and more importantly I am not earning an income. But what the heck, I am in a laid-back country so I might as well flow with the culture. Besides, the bank interest rates are high here and July’s interest alone paid for the entire trip, and more.

We got down from the car and were shown our room, which was Ision’s when he was a boy (up till he was 18 when he left for Japan). It was getting dark (winters here get dark by 5pm) and waited for Jennifer (Ision’s mother) to come back from work (and cook us dinner. Hehe). The wood-fired heater in the centre of the living room kept us warm as we sat down listening to stillness.

 

Of course Ision felt at home immediately the second we touched down but my heart and brain kept going on -- "what can I do", "what can I do", only to realize that there is nothing much at all I can do except to just relax and let the stillness flush all these errant thoughts out of my system.

Jen works at the recruitment agency in Yamba (more on that town later) and I had a very good impression of her from the last time we met in August 2007. She is very refined and well-mannered (think of those high-class British ladies we see on TV) which was not surprising as she came from a good family, went to finishing school (an English thing – a school that teaches etiquette and stuff to girls) and was a Home Economics teacher.

Slightly after 6pm we saw Jen coming home and the familiar image of that energetic middle-aged woman with perfect figure and poise came into vision. She is only slightly younger than my mother but much more energetic (which never failed to amaze me) – I guess country-living does have its perks. As soon as she entered the room, I could see an immediate change in Ision. He went into a child-like state as if all the cares of his adult world got parked into the corner. I found that quite endearing because in my opinion child-like innocence is one of the rarest and most elusive gifts an adult can receive. To be able to feel that again is a very good thing and I am happy for the happiness that instantaneously filled his heart.

And very soon there was the old-married-couple quibbling between Roger and Jen. If they were a young dating couple, you would think that the relationship would be over soon. However years of love and bonding had transformed security, familiarity, intimacy and all the other good stuff into this little oral war playing out right in front of us. Ision later told me it felt a little scary that we have developed to something close to that in such a short time. I told him that was not a bad thing at all and he totally agreed.

It was the middle of the week on a Wednesday night and Jen did not want to bother herself with her usual perfectionistic style of cooking so she just threw in whatever she could find in the fridge and whipped up a delicious risotto for all of us. It is worth mentioning the pantry they had – imagine a walk-in wardrobe but replace clothes with condiments, dried goods, canned food and all the ingredients of a perfect kitchen. I was so impressed with the things I found in that micro-supermarket!

 

We then had a short discussion on the itinerary of our 3-day stay. Well it is almost a crime to use the word “itinerary” in such an idyllic setting but I guess my limited city vocabulary can only bring me this far. Roger’s plan for us included the chores he wanted us to do but not much detail was given at that stage and I figured I’d know it soon enough. You see, the country bug had finally caught up with me as I relinquished control and allowed myself to blend into the rustic yet sophisticated backdrop. And blend I did into the absolute still of night, something that some city dwellers might not be used to and hence would find it too low a noise level for slumbering. But not me, I slept like a log very soon after I closed my eyes.

That is the end of day 1. Feel free to take a break before continuing. Hehe.

The next morning we rose to a beautiful sunrise right in front of the house and as the sun warmed the shallow waters, mist formed above the surface clouding the entire landscape and then surreptitiously disappeared.

 

Nature changing its form before our eyes, surely this is not what one can get in the city. We had a simple breakfast and lazed around sipping coffee, reading newspapers and chatting. I found a pile of spherical brown nuts along with a device and soon found out that those were macadamia nuts. How wonderful it was to crack those nuts and eat them fresh.

I think I will never get back to eating de-shelled macadamias from the supermarket again. The thing about living in the country is that a lot of people grow their own food and Ision’s parents bring home-horticulture to the limit. I had a chance to taste fresh strawberries, passionfruit, macadamias, pecans, lemons, kumquats, tomatoes, lettuce and the list just went on.

 

Ision is really fortunate to have grown up in this environment and I finally understand his distaste for over-priced and over-processed food from the supermarket.

At about mid-morning we changed into our work gear (boiler suits) and went on the tractor and were driven by Roger into the forest where we got to work. The task of the day was to clear a jungle path and what made it super tough was that it was along a reclining slope – something that I grew to hate in the army. Roger headed the pack with his chainsaw which cleared the thicker branches and we followed behind clearing the vines and undergrowth with huge shears to form a path.

 

The land (with the rainforest) surrounding the house was to be sold and the path was to make the forest more attractive to buyers. I coined the work as “extreme gardening” and Roger loved the term so much that he told us he would use it very often.

It was lunch-time and Jen prepared a filo pastry roll with vegetable filling for us in advance. How thoughtful of her. Of course there was home-made vanilla ice-cream at the end of every meal. This explained for the extra 2kgs I put on after the trip. But it was a vacation for us so I went with that weight-gain in mind (I will slim back down for sure after I start my new job). We then had a brief nap (very very wrong to sleep after eating) followed by my usual 30-minute jog but this time along the undulating country roads where wallabies, cattle and horses could be seen everywhere.

 

Ision told me that he was chopping firewood whilst I was napping and that was his cardio for the day. Well I missed out on that country experience.

We went out for dinner in the small town of Maclean and we met Ision’s only friend from school whom he still keeps contact with (she is a no-holds-barred kind of girl). We dined at this straight (duh, what else was there in the country) pub that did not seem to serve nice food from the outside and later had coffee and dessert back at her place. It was Sara Lee’s chocolate pudding bought from the nearby supermarket (it has its own guestbook, how strange) which tasted like a chocolate cake that fell into water. She gave Ision and I a tarot reading and Ision later gave her a lengthy one. It is usual for people to have a question in mind before the reading but if they didn’t have one, it is common to ask “what should I know”, which was exactly what I asked. Initially I thought that something would come out along the lines of my new-job anxiety but it was more about my skepticism and how that is preventing me from progressing. Well that has always been my biggest foe but I must say I am really getting better and Ision has played a huge part in that (read my posting about Reiki).

This trip saw yet another first for me – Ision driving me around. It felt kind of strange at first but he is a good driver so after a while, it was as if he had been driving me around all along. The night sky brimmed with stars and it has been a while since I saw such a clear night sky. I did not see any shooting stars though maybe because I have almost all my wishes come true at this point. Travelling along the pitch-dark country roads really brought all the horror movies and thrillers I have watched over the years to the surface (eg. the beginning of “Vacancy”). I started asking Ision questions like “what would you do if all the headlight bulbs were to burst at the same time” and got quite boring answers. I like hypothetical questions a lot and he doesn’t. That is the fun of relationships, isn’t it? Upon reaching home, we went straight to bed and I realized that I could still get tired from relaxing too much.

We woke up the next day later than the first morning and after a slow breakfast (with home-made bread -- yummy!), we were whisked into the forest again to complete the half-finished path-clearing task. Following that was a quick lunch and then Roger drove us out to Yamba, another small (beach) town 30 minutes away for coffee and drinks. It was another day of perfect weather and being out by the sea really makes you wish that the day would never end. Ision read in the newspaper that the weather back in Sydney was hellish with hail and rain and he decided to MMS his friend a picture of me by the beach with the calm sea in the background to irritate him.

 

There was mobile reception only in the town (not at home) and I got a call from the recruitment agency asking if it was OK for a company who has interviewed me to give me a call to confirm if I really wanted the job. This was the first time I ever experience this – of course I want the job which was why I applied for it in the first place! This company put me through multiple levels of reference-checking, a 4-hour long psychometric test, a lengthy medical check-up and now this. I was rather impatient (as I’ve already got another job) and told him I would find the call pretty pointless (he was a little upset I said this). Well if he’s perceptive enough he would know by now from the recent change in the tone of my voice that I have found another job. The reason why I am still hanging on to this is because I want to know how much remuneration the company is willing to offer. I know it is bad on my part to string them along like this but hey, it is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I am sure they know it too.

It soon got dark and we proceeded to pick Jen up from work to meet up with other friends for a family dinner at the same place we had dinner the night before. It really IS a small town. After dinner we went back to their place for coffee – this seemed like a tradition of small town folk. Ision found 2 potential Nu Skin customers and spent the rest of the night showing them the products and website. Too bad he did not bring the right products to show them this time round as they were really interested. I could see the sparkle in his eyes as he went on with his advertising and this made me feel so good. One of the major draws of Nu Skin products is they are really cheap compared to the same stuff from brands like Clinique and Biotherm and on top of that they work better. I am currently using Nu Skin’s Clear Action system which aims at clearing the skin of pimples and other blemishes. The stuff really works.

Under Roger’s and Jen’s instructions, we rushed home to watch the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics only to fall asleep soon after it started and taped the rest. It WAS a very long ceremony but I must say I saw special effects that I have never seen before. And talk about the scale of the event! Kudos China, wealthy wealthy China.

The next day was a short one as we had to leave by mid-afternoon. We helped to do chores around the house like cleaning bird poo off the railings as well as feeding the exotic wild birds that flew to us when we offered them food.

 

We were rewarded with Jen’s famous rhubarb, strawberry and apple crumble (again with ingredients plucked fresh from the garden). I photographed the process while Ision wrote down the recipe. I hope I can get to have a taste of that again soon (with Ision making it of course). Jen is a great cook which is of no surprise seeing that she had undergone formal training in cookery. The time after lunch was whiled away with more relaxing on the verandah sipping coffee and tea (this was perhaps the thing I enjoyed doing most during the trip).
 

Soon it was time to pack up and we did the customary group shots and said our farewells.

 

It really has been a nice 3 days and I got to know Ision’s parents even better, not to mention having a chance to relax to the max. Roger drove us to the airport and before we knew it, we touched down in Sydney and arrived home in our studio apartment. How different 2 places could be, I began to wonder. But we are currently looking for a new apartment and hopefully we will find one soon. I simply CANNOT wait to move. More on that when it happens. Thanks for reading this extremely long post. Ciao for now.

Jumping up and down!

Yes, jumping up and down's what I was doing just now when I got the call with the news and even up till now, my heart is still jumping up and down with the occasional laughing out loud to myself.

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I'VE GOT A JOB!!!

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All my fears and worries have been allayed and I can FINALLY start to live my life as a normal person and NO MORE application for temporary jobs and checking online job sites every single night. (I have been doing that for Australian jobs for more than 1 year now ever since I started to apply for my PR!)

It has been a while since my heart got such a strong jolt of exhilaration and I believe everyone needs this kind of positive knock once in a while as a reminder that life is not only worth living but is worth fighting day and night for. It is the one moment where all of your hard work crystallizes into a climax of immeasurable ecstasy, giving you the boost to face even tougher challenges ahead of you.

I would like to thank all my friends and family who have been by my side even though you are all so far away, encouraging me and keeping my heart afloat all this time. You are certainly the best bunch around!

For those who would like to know, the role that I acquired has the title of "Process Engineer". In this role I will continue building on my Process Design experience from where I left off from my previous job. The company I will be seconded into is quite far away but there is a company shuttle that takes me there directly 12 train stations away from Kings Cross where I currently live. I was told the working hours are from 0730hrs to 1530hrs, which means I have to wake up at 0500hrs. Well at least I get to leave rather early.

For now I will commute via public train/company shuttle till a possible relocation to somewhere nearer to the refinery. I need to discuss this further with Ision, who is seriously contemplating a career change at this moment. I also have 2 other job applications that might or might not be successful but if they are, I would then have more choices. As you can see, things are pretty volatile right now but at least one GI-NORMOUS load has been lifted off my chest and things ahead of us can finally start to get clearer. Well done Kimmy! Well done indeed!

And my heart is still jumping up and down!!!

The latest song

As you all know, I have been writing my own songs since I was 17 mainly as a means of documenting my life. It is like diary-writing but with an additional layer of emotion and colour that only comes with a song.

I have two dreams in my life and I am willing to give up one if the other comes true. These two dreams have been fuelling my existence for as long as I could remember. I have found my true love so I have decided to give up making it big in the music industry. At some points in my life, I would feel that finding true love is more difficult than becoming a star and vice versa at others. Now all that is finally over as I can put the other dream to rest (I’m still joining Australian Idol next year though).

However my song-writing should theoretically not stop since my life does not rest so I know I will continue writing songs. It is just that nothing really interesting is happening in my life right now and thus the empty diary. But let me share with you the last (Chinese) song that I have written.

Ever since I started long-distance relationships (not restricted to romantic ones), I have had the habit of writing a song whenever I take a flight either to meet or to leave a loved one as those were the times when emotions and inspiration run wild. The last flight I took was the one to Sydney and without fail, I popped out a song (I make it a point to always at least finish the lyrics by the end of the flight). There is no finalized tune to it yet (only a draft version) as I have been busy settling down. I know for sure by the time I finish the tune, I will no longer be able to reproduce the exact feeling at that moment so there very well might not be a tune for that song after all.

On the night of my departure as I went past the customs gate with the image of my family and friends starting to get smaller and smaller behind me, I was overwhelmed by a deluge of emotions. I continued to push on despite these hurdles in my heart clouding my sense of direction…



[不得已]

眼眶热了， 红了， 湿了
想不到泪水真的流出了
双手刚握住的拥抱呢
你的爱我心保存了

走着走着，双脚沉重了
但目光还是锁在前方的
这是我自己做的选择
想不到愿望真的实现了

一页页的回忆， 翻阅我脑海里
一年年的成长， 有你的呵护维系
没你的日子里， 我会照顾我自己
没我的日子里， 请不要垂头丧气

一页页的回忆， 翻阅我脑海里
一年年的成长， 有你的呵护维系
虽然是不忍心， 但却是不得已
我真要让你知道， 我真的很爱你


Loosely translated as...


[No Choice]

My eyes are getting warm, getting red and getting wet
I cannot believe tears actually fell
Where is the embrace I just held in my arms?
My heart is where I preserve your love

My legs are getting heavier as I walk
But I continue to look forward
This is the choice that I have made by myself
I just cannot believe my wish actually came true

Pages after pages of memories flipping in my head
Year after year growing up in your tender care
I will take good care of myself when you are not with me
Please do not feel dejected when I am not with you

Pages after pages of memories flipping in my head
Year after year growing up in your tender care
Although I cannot bear to do this, I have no other choice
I really want you to know that I love you very much

My first Reiki experience

Maybe you do not know but Ision is a Reiki master and tonight I took the first step in wanting to and accepting a 15-minute session of energy healing from him as well as 2 other Reiki masters.

Within the first minute of Ision placing his hands on my face, I felt a strong wave of energy surging into me. It's very very hard to describe it because it was a feeling that I have not felt before. You must really feel it for yourself! Ision was actually surprised that I felt the energy so quickly. During that minute, I blurted out that it was very strong and Ision explained immediately that was because there were 3 Reiki masters giving me the healing. I found that I had to breathe faster otherwise my head would explode with that strong, pulsing and warm energy inside of it. It was amazing but then again "amazing" is not the correct word to use. The session certainly rid me of my skepticism about this whole energy/spiritual healing thing. I cannot explain it very well so you can visit Ision's blog (the link is provided below my profile picture) to learn more about Reiki.

I had so many questions to ask after the session and I asked them immediately when I had the chance to after describing to them what and how I felt. I told Ision at the moment I felt the surging energy, it was as if I was totally connected to him and that I felt love coming at me physically. It was like the love between us was increasing exponentially at that very instant. It made me want to cry there and then. Ision later explained that Reiki helps to channel love too (again I am not explaining it very well and using the correct terminology here).

Also, when one of the masters placed her hands on my legs, I felt warmth seeping into my bones all the way through. I thought to myself mere warmth from a person's hand will most certainly not be able to penetrate so deep and so there must surely be something more here and indeed there was. She felt that the energy around my knees was weak and I quickly attributed that to my regular jogging which must have strained my knees over time. Ision also felt my nasal area being weak (I have had nasal congestion problems for some time now). Ision added that Reiki is really good for pain-relief as well as other kinds of healing.

Reiki basically brings the body's energy into balance and as a result, you become more relaxed, calmer in your thoughts and feel as if nothing can irritate or bother you. I am really curious how much better I will feel after the session as Ision said if I have received a full hour of healing, the effects could last for up to 3 days! I do feel more relaxed now and Ision as well as the others have also noticed a dramatic clearing of my skin's redness and blotchiness although I could not see the difference as clearly as they did.

I am so glad that I have decided to put my skepticism aside and give Reiki a try. I am one of the biggest skeptic I know of and I am really convinced this time after a mere 15-minute session that Reiki is something that has extremely powerful effects (and yet being something very simple). I have yet to tap into much of that and also understand the different properties, functions and systems of Reiki and its relation to spirituality but I am positive that this is definitely going to be the start of a very interesting and potentially ground-breaking personal journey of discovery.

30 days and counting...

It has been a month since I have turned up Down Under and it is time now for me to rant a little.

The depression from my recent job-rejection has worn off by now primarily because I am still attending interviews. However after the two this week, I have no more permanent job interviews lined up and this is worrisome. To divert my attention from anxiety, I have stepped up temporary and casual job-application (I applied for 9 yesterday – mainly office administrative jobs). It is tough that you need previous experience even for casual jobs and agencies have told me that it is harder for a non-Australian to enter the Aussie workforce as locals tend to put specific Aussie experience in too high a regard. A consolation however is that once one gets a job, it is very much easier to get another one.

So apparently I just need to get my foot in the club door it seems…

When I was in Singapore, I planned to give myself 6 months here to land a good permanent job so to date, only 1/6 of that plan has failed so I should really not be jumping up and down like that fussing and fretting, should I? Those of you who know me will know that I just can’t put my mind at ease unless things happen exactly the way I want it to be.

Enough about jobs and the number one stress factor in my life right now. What else is happening Down Under you might wonder? Well World Youth Day (WYD) has just ended and thank goodness it is over. You must all have heard about the anti-annoyance law that the government tried to pass in an attempt to paint Sydney (or Australia for that matter) as a docile and God-fearing city/state. For those who still don’t know, the law gives law-enforcement officers the right to fine anyone who engages in behaviour that annoys pilgrims up to A$5,500. (Note: annoying behaviour ranges from wearing offensive T-shirts and handing out condoms to promote safe sex to protesting that the tax-funded WYD event is a big waste of money.) Come to think of it, I was rather shocked initially to learn that WYD would be held here for Sydney never gave me that religious an impression. I guess it is part of yet another government’s series of nation-building plans with or without public consent and understanding. The anti-annoyance law brought a lot of dissent and much upset and I was totally not surprised that it did. Sydney becoming as Draconian as Singapore is certainly not what I signed up for. As I was on the home-bound train from an interview packed with rowdy WYD youths, I was rather annoyed and was wondering if there were any law that could help me get some peace. If I had a religion, I would so be thanking its God that WYD is finally over.

Well that rant certainly made me feel better.

The weather has been fine for many days now and I really should be using this time to relax and enjoy myself as Ision’s friend told me I wouldn’t have such a chance to rest once I start work. Of course he is theoretically right but he fails to recognize that I am bleeding money and not earning it right now and R&R activities cost money! So I confine myself in the apartment except during times of jogging, gym, grocery-shopping and the rare going-out with Ision and his friends (to keep myself still sane). My life is really boring right now and utterly not representative of Sydney’s city life and not what I envisaged my life would be. To make matters worse, I have a webcam session with my mum tonight. I dread that because I have nothing positive to report and I would hate it if she feels that I am “suffering” here because of my decision to leave Singapore (ie. her).

Everyone has been telling me that things will go my way eventually. I truly believe that will happen. What I sorely need now is something no one can give me and that is patience…

(PS: Australian Idol is coming up and I see at least one Asian in it, maybe I do stand a chance next year after all!)

The feeling of a sinking heart

I have not felt this for a long time but today I got to feel it again. It is like riding a bike, you will never forget how it feels if you have felt that before.

The Melbourne job went to the other guy and yes he really does exist and not just someone the recruitment agency made up to keep me on my toes. I have failed myself this time although strictly speaking I have always felt that I would surely get the job only if there is no one else vying for that position. I have not devoted a lot of attention to building up my chemical engineering career and I guess this calls for the weight of the consequences crushing on me now.

I will not analyze what went wrong throughout the entire process for it is much too futile to do that now. I have learnt in life not to focus on something that cannot be helped or improved upon and only to look towards things that can. Most of the time this is easier said than done but some of the time, I succeed depending on how much of my eggs I have placed in the basket with the hole at the bottom.

I do have several job possibilities in the air but they are like seedlings that have just shed their seed coats. It will take much effort and time for them to grow into anything decent and this is the source of my upset at the moment. I have always hated and been phobic of being jobless trying to look for a job and now I am like an arachnophobe living at the edge of a large spider web, fearing and worrying about my prospects everyday.

I know Ision will find it hard to understand how I feel right now as he is always complaining that I am too negative and should not worry about things that are not worth worrying about (he feels that I can find a job easily which I disagree quite strongly to). But I hope that when I break the news to him later, he will reply with some level of understanding of the situation and my current state-of-mind.

Sigh.

I have even sent out requests earlier today for quotations to transport our stuff interstate as we were both looking forward to relocating to Melbourne very much but now things are again in limbo. If only I can attach their floating ends to my heart right now...