Musical journey (2)

Being bilingual is one of the traits that I am rather proud of and a really good "proof" of that is that I write songs in both English and Chinese. This thought made me realise that firstly I have not uploaded any works that I only wrote lyrics for and secondly I have not shared any English songs that I have written thus far. I will address the first "issue" with this month's musical journey and then let you have a taste of my English songs in my subsequent posts.

The first piece was originally a tune I recently received from my dear friend back in Singapore which was by itself a collaborative effort between her and a member of a band made famous by a reality show-type singing competition. It is basically a love song in which the singer struggles to find the source of his pain–a toss-up between his still physically-lingering partner and his not being able to get over the doomed relationship.

Here are the words of the song followed by its translation in English:


[I Don't Wanna Cry]

/词: 锦泉//曲: 美莲 + Nic @ 迷路兵/

I don't wanna cry
感情已不在
请留在门外
是我太失败
倦意和依赖
缠着我甩也甩不开
让你靠近是我给自己的伤害
活该

I don't wanna cry, I know I've tried
黑夜和泪总得一起来
只因你早已渗透我血脉

I don't wanna cry, please say goodbye
给你机会还欠我的债
为何你还是不肯。。。离开

让你存在是我对自己的虐待
别再

I don't wanna cry, just tell me why
时间和泪非得要比赛
被思念囚禁我泥足深陷火海

I don't wanna cry, I don't wanna lie
若能从心把你哭出来
我愿意含泪继续。。。忍耐

你还是不肯离开



[I Don't Wanna Cry]

I don't wanna cry
Now that the feelings are all gone
Please stay outside the door
I have failed myself
For I cannot shrug off
The fatigue and dependence stuck on me

Letting you near is the harm I have caused myself
Serves me right

I don't wanna cry, I know I've tried
The dark night and tears always have to come together
Only because you have long seeped into my veins

I don't wanna cry, please say goodbye
Let this be the chance for you to repay what you owe me
Why do you still refuse to leave?

Letting you stay is the torture I have given myself
Not again please

I don't wanna cry, just tell me why
Time and tears are always in a race
Trapped by thoughts of you, I am knee-deep in a sea of fire

I don't wanna cry, I don't wanna lie
If I could cry you out of my heart
I would continue to endure in tears

And you still refuse to leave






The second piece in this post involves a back story. Back when I was still in Singapore, I performed 摇篮 in the first-ever concert put together by COMPASS (a local organisation that manages music-copyrighting and royalties) which showcased original compositions by its fellow members. I thoroughly enjoyed singing on stage and it gave me a high that nothing else could compare (it was held in the old Parliament House). A famous local song-writer was in the audience and he was looking for someone to write words to a Chinese song which was part of a local telemovie's soundtrack. He contacted me soon after the concert and gave me two days to write the lyrics with only a quick summary of the movie's plot (consisting of one or maybe two sentences). He did tell me that the movie would be distributed to churches as a preaching tool but I could not care less as that was really a golden opportunity for me (I was not even paid for my work and I was still totally happy about that) .

I remembered how the responsibility of writing for a musical giant weighed on my shoulders–it was constantly on my mind and I could not concentrate on my day job at that time at all. However I was impressed with myself for delivering the song on time (and the result) as well as having the chance to sing and record it (in just two takes ie. I sang the whole song once in one take and another time in another take with a different feel) at his ginormous (it can fit an entire choir) and state-of-the-art studio. He was quite easy to work with although as big names go, you would expect some level of diva-esque attitude. After the recording, I waited patiently for the finished product to arrive. The song came soon but the actual movie only came many months after that. It was so worth the wait for my name appeared in the closing credits–this has always been one of my dreams.

Here are the words of the song and as usual followed by an English translation:


[跌倒]

/词: 锦泉// 曲: Iskandar Ismail/

霓虹灯不再燃烧
笙歌不再听到
冷冷的月光紧围绕
憔悴的我哭倒

沉重的心脱不了
禁锢我的手铐
离开我的影子我才看到
我是如此渺小

爱的一切都输掉
赢回一室的寂寥
只有时间陪我慢慢苍老
叫我怎承受得了这煎熬

是非已不再重要
失去你的拥抱
我只能在一角跪地求饶
你能否听得到

昨天的我不知道
今天的痛我明了
如果能够让我再走一遭
我发誓不会跌倒

不想继续海中飘
回头是岸我知道
我的康庄大道今天创造
我发誓再也不会 跌倒



[Fall]

The neon lights burn no more, the party music plays no more
The cold moonlight wraps tightly around my haggard body crying on the floor

My heavy heart is unable to shirk off the imprisoning handcuffs
Only leaving my shadow behind could I see how small I am

Having lost everything I love
Having won a room of loneliness
Only time is left to slowly grow old with me
Tell me how I can live through this torture

Right and wrong are no longer important now that I have lost your embrace
I can only beg for forgiveness on my knees in the corner, can you hear me?

The old me did not understand my wrongs
As I acknowledge the pain today
If I were to have another chance to walk again
I swear I will never fall

I do not wish to continue to drift in the ocean
For I know the shore is right behind me
Today I shall create the road to my bright future
I swear I will never fall



As for the clip, I have included the original segment of the show when the song was played (with self-added subtitles). In the movie, the last verse was not included and this is why you can also find the complete song below the video.









I hope the classic Mediacorp-feel of the clip was not too much for you (well I could not do anything about that). Do look out for more musical journeys coming up!

Tantric observations

You should know by now that I am a nudist (with an exhibitionistic flavour) and it would not surprise anyone that I chose to attend a nude tantric yoga session recently. I am a pretty seasoned nudist so it would take a lot to impress or shock me. As predicted, the whole nude tantric yoga experience was kind of bland but still I have made some observations from that night.


Observation 1: The dark setting flattered everyone, some more so than others. I did not need the room to be that dim myself but I am sure for the sake of the entire class, many would have deemed it necessary. There were lots of mirrors around too which was always a good thing.

Observation 2: There were quite a few cute and even hunky guys, much to my surprise. You see, a lot of nudists I have encountered are free spirits (which made perfect sense) and the philosophy of free spirits is to try to not control anything. Of course there would be exceptions but generally when people relinquish control, one of the things they let go is their diet and consequently their physical shape. Suffice to say there were good exceptions that night (with only one obese person).

Observation 3: Participants could share 10-visit passes (I did not think it was allowed) which meant that the cheapest anyone could pay for one session was $10. If you were not clever enough to take advantage of that, you could well be paying up to $17.50 per session. Naturally, I belong to the clever group and shared the 10-visit pass bought by the friend I went with.

Observation 4: It was a rainy winter night and yet there were almost 25 people there that Sunday night and this must be quite lucrative to the instructor. You would think that instructors charging that much would be 100% professional but as free-spirited gay men, it was hard to control sexual urges in front of other attractive free-spirited gay men. So as expected, the (gay) instructor was not totally professional. He purposely put himself in a group massage section of the class which had the hunkiest guy of the lot–this was a deviation from the normal class format. And as the massage went on, he was obviously concentrating on the hunk’s nether regions more than other parts. I know this was pardonable given the circumstances but I still felt that the instructor should be professional enough to not let this happen. Of course what made me feel more bitter was that the instructor was clearly not into Asians.

Observation 5: There was quite a bit of posing work as a couple and so it made sense to have the instructor partner someone with a person of similar built. I made a prior request to be partnered with someone of a similar (muscular) built with the knowledge that it might be too much to ask for. Fortunately my (Asian) partner was not too bad (he was cute too). The hunky (Caucasian) ones whom I was ogling would never be assigned to me because of dissimilar built and this was a major disappointment. How many muscular men (who are nudists) of my height are out there?

Observation 6: Frankly, I was expecting the experience to be more sexual but at the end of the day it all boiled down to one’s partner. There was a lot of mutual touching and if your partner were not touching the right parts for whatever reason, you might not want to bring your hands to those parts on him as well (for fear of getting him out of his comfort zone). However I felt that I was too tame and that might be why my partner was too tame as well. If I were to go next time, I would make it overtly sexual and push the envelope further.

Observation 7: We were told to come to the class freshly-showered and apply deodorant (for obvious reasons) but there were still people (one in particular) with very strong body odour problems (think people heavy on the curry diet). I really am starting to think that even if these people were to shower in bleach, the smell would still permeate from the pores (I used to think that they were just sloppy when showering). Mental note: steer clear of those people in the future (we could send the instructor an email before the class advising him not to assign particular people to us as partners–phew!).

Observation 8: There were opportunities to put yourself out there if you wanted to “cruise” around especially before the class when everyone was just standing around and waiting. I heard from other attendees that people sometimes proceed to full-on sex after the class elsewhere. This is totally understandable especially when people generally do not cum during such tantric yoga sessions and after being edged on for the whole time, it is difficult to not want to end the night on a happy note. I guess if I really wanted to push the envelope to the extreme, I could cum there and then (of course the partner would have to be into that as well). I wonder what would the others think if I were to do that?


So now the only important question left unanswered is “would I go for another session”? As I have mentioned above, I felt that I have yet to go the distance to make the class as enjoyable for me as possible. To be honest, I was also a bit displeasured that I was not propositioned for sex (all gay men are sluts deep inside if not already on the outside) especially when I clearly had one of the best bodies around. But then again I was also too shy as it was my first session–maybe I will up the ante much more in the next class (I would then risk incurring greater disappointment). In any case, it was still not time yet to stick the “been there, done that” label onto tantric yoga and so you will probably see me there in the next class for despite being stark naked, I still had spare inhibition to shed.

As my blood boils...

I have given up on communicating with Christians who cannot understand the plight LGBTs all over the world are suffering especially those Christians trying to camouflage bigotry with academic research and scholarly lingo.

When I described how LGBTs are denied the basic human right of marriage, I was asked "is it really love you have, or just an extension of friends-with-benefits" and then I was smoke-bombed with "marriage is denied to people for a whole variety of reasons other than sexual orientation and sexual fitness... even heterosexuals don't have a right to marriage... even very trivially, there is the age limit... and when in human history before the 1970s was marriage regarded "a basic human right?".

Then the ultimate insult was hurled "I would like to ask, you asking for the right to "marriage", properly understood in the social sense, sans orientation, or asking for the right to state-supported lifelong sexual indulgence?".

"State-supported lifelong sexual indulgence"??!? WTF?? I have never heard something so idiotically-extreme before!

When I lamented how faith-guided people will continue to vote for the retention of Section 377A including some so-called friends who are willing to make their LGBT buddies criminals-without-rights for another 25 years all in the name of religion, I was asked "have you tried to understand the details of their stance... fundamentalists like Prof Tho Li Ann have been driven into their fundamentalism partially because of a frustration that they are not being heard out properly. There is a perception that this "dialogue" is a one-way street... so you want them to think about how you feel... why don't you also think about how they feel?".

That left me speechless. Somehow they (yes, even the scholars) fail to grasp the fact that LGBTs are the real victims here.

Then the scholar went on to sling mud onto others like Alex Au by saying "for instance, what do you think a Christian who has been taught the "inclusionary" nature of Christ's love, of a bliblically-centered love, feels when he reads Alex Au's article deriding Christianity as an "exclusionary" religion?".

Boo hoo.... as they carry on crying as victims in their multi-million dollar church premises.

More mud-slinging followed–this time round the pro-LGBT activists were on the receiving end. "The Pro-LGBT activists appear to be fighting for equal rights. Instead, what they are fighting for is opinion imperialism, no different from what they accuse religious groups of doing... the Pro-LGBT activists know their priorities, but their priorities are the wrong ones, and ones that are bringing more division to society than healing harm."

Scholarly lingo alert!!! "Opinion imperialism"–what does that even mean?! Pro-LGBT activists bringing division to society? Somehow to these people, this line of argument never gets old.

Then this "I am Roman Catholic, and I know that the Vatican has an official Pontifical Council for Inter-religious Dialogue; what does that say about the potential of Christianity for inter-religious dialogue? (As an aside, I think that the Vatican would be willing to form a Pontifical Council for Catholic-LGBT dialogue if it sensed that any LGBT groups did actually want a genuine dialogue, which they currently don't)."

Win already right? Yes, they most certainly want to engage in dialogue, that is if they still have energy after spending all day covering the tracks of paedophilic priests, demonising condoms and explaining how natural disasters are a direct result of sodomy.

Then something was said that showed how unscholarly the scholar was. "There are also many Christians around the world suffering from persecution on a daily basis. Remember, Christianity is a global religion... there are incidentally many more Christians than there are LGBT people. It is a ratio of 1.5 billion to six million. Quite majorly significant."

So what if Christians are in the majority compared to LGBTs?!

All of the above is still palatable (I have a high level of tolerance) but then my endurance was pushed over the brink with "because I really do want to understand and help you through your problems. But I can't help if you refuse to acknowledge that you have a problem in the first place."

*** Must fight the urge to scream my guts out
and smash the computer ***

I was then given some advice to "stop labelling people "fundamentalists and bigots" and for a change, ask and then sit down and listen to what their real opinions on the issue are. If you do that, I am sure they will stop calling you "sinner"... stop thinking about yourself and think about others for a change... if you are willing to give up your siege mentality, I think that you would suddenly find many Christians, even the "fundamentalists", becoming much warmer toward you."

Who cares about them calling me a sinner? I just want them to butt out of government policies in a secular country!!!

And then I stopped replying for I needed the madness to end.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

All this started from a discussion on whether the "Agree To Disagree" publication (meant to teach Buddhists how to tactfully turn down proselytising Christians–website here) is considered "polite bigotry". By the way, that scholar found the publication ultimately "disengaging" and does not promote inter-faith dialogue, if you are interested (duh). And if you are REALLY interested, here is the thread in context in gory detail.

If we cannot get through to scholars, how then can we get through to the hordes and hordes of fundies who know much less? Can you blame me for giving up on communicating with these people and only keeping within my gay and gay-friendly cliques so as not to elevate my blood pressure? Please tell me–am I doing the wrong thing? If so, what do you recommend I do?

(PS: Incidentally, the 'Hokkien pengs' of my platoon were much more embracing. When I showed them pictures of me and my partner during my last in-camp training, they asked me to invite them to my wedding! How sweet!)

The ultimate way to be shot

Back in February this year when I went back home for Chinese New Year, I grabbed the opportunity to squeeze in a shoot with a friend and photographer Cobalt.

It was just like any other hot and humid day in tropical Singapore except that we were shooting nude in the open forest. This is my first professional outdoor nude shoot. Not only did we have to trek a long way in, we had to risk being spotted. We had to abandon our initial location as some people were seen jogging (I wonder what would happen if they saw me in all my naked glory).

We had a photographic assistant with us and another person to constantly stand guard–our early warning system. Shooting in the bushes was tough as maneuvering in my own skin meant that I was constantly scratched and prodded by undergrowth. Luckily my skin was left in tact and everything went smoothly.

With all the trouble and hard work from everyone, the many shots taken that day have been distilled to the following few. It was worth all the effort as I think we had spectacular results but I will let you be the judge. Even if the whole exercise were to fail standards, at least I got to be one again with nature and trust me, nothing beats that feeling.















PS: Artistic license had to be maintained by the photographer and hence the way one of the pictures was censored (I would have done it differently if it were up to me).

Musical journey (1)

It is time for a little musical sharing once again. I have here the newest collaboration between my friend (the lyricist) and I (the composer), the same team who brought you "Stay Away" and "不由自主的幸福". This song writes about the memories of being with someone and how it would be like if there were a reunion. I feel that the song is ultimately telling us that we should all be spending more time with the people who are dear to us so that we will never be in that melancholic state of regret, when what one could only do is to reminisce and imagine. I feel that with a simple arrangement, one can better receive this message and so that was how I went about my composition. I have included both a male- and female-keyed version so everyone can sing along. I hope you will enjoy this one of many musical journeys.


[想想]

/词: 惜妹//曲: 锦泉/

凝固记忆框在墙上
每张微笑开始泛黄
记得当时我们很勇敢
无惧危险的向前闯

随着年纪慢慢成长
忘了我们如何失散
呆望着眼前的这片墙
仿佛又回到了过往

你好吗
还记得我吗
想象着不经意碰到你的情况

你好吗
会想我吗
想象着如果和你聊天的模样

我们当时是否还有话还没讲完
现在是不是还会有时抱着遗憾
想象着如果还有机会再遇上
我知道我现在也只能想想

你好吗
还记得我吗
想象着不经意碰到你的情况

你好吗
会想我吗
想象着如果和你聊天的模样

我知道 我现在 也只能 想想







PS: We need to start writing more upbeat songs!

Vacation wrap-up

Food (Hong Kong)

“Tea café” food from expensive Tsui Wah.
From top left clockwise: Swiss-style chicken wings, cold honey lemon with mandarin orange juice, sizzling pork chop with fried instant noodles.


Dinner at Tai Hing Roast Restaurant–a treat for my host.
From left: roast eight treasure rice (missing char siew–ran out!), iced milk tea in ice bath, roast suckling pig.


“Tea café” food from Café de Coral. It was tea time and portions were small and very cheap.
From top left clockwise: lemon Coke, small BBQ pork rice, cold yuen yueng, pork cutlet with ham and toast.


Dim sum at Lin Heung Tea House. It was 7.30 in the morning!
From top left clockwise: lor mai gai (glutinous rice with pork, Chinese sausage and salted egg yolk wrapped in lotus leaf), lotus seed paste bun, BBQ pork bun, rice rolls with prawns, siew mai (pork dumplings), har gow (prawn dumplings), braised chicken feet, Chinese sausage bun, jasmine tea.


Simple (and economical) fare at Lamma Island.
From top: cuttlefish balls soup, satay beef instant noodles soup, pork chop with omelette and ham.


Miscellaneous goodies along the way. It seems like I did not eat a lot in Hong Kong after all…
From top left clockwise: snake soup from Seh Wong Yee, wife biscuit from Hang Heung Bakery, vegetarian meal at Po Lin Monastery (fried bee hoon, soya beancurd, mango split-pea cake and snow fungus cake), wanton noodles with added fish balls from a small eatery in Shau Kei Wan, snow white sago dessert from Honeymoon Desserts.

Food (Kuala Lumpur)

KL food was pretty standard but these caught my attention.
From top left clockwise: chicken sate baoz, onion chicken baoz, tri-star squid roll from Mr. Baoz, delicious char siew (BBQ pork) from Soh Kei.

Food (Singapore)

Food from our first-ever dine-out Chinese New Year reunion dinner.
From top left clockwise: lobster cold plate combination (a live cockroach was found in the lobster head! Traumatising!), abalone with sea cucumber, shark’s fin soup, steamed red snapper, fried salted egg yolk prawns, pig’s trotters with buns, fried noodles, hashima dessert (frog eggs).


The home-cooked Chinese New Year feast of a lunch. Props to mummy as usual!
From top left clockwise: scallops in squid flowers, steamed Hainanese chicken, dried shitake with sea cucumber, dried oysters with fa cai (a kind of hair-looking seaweed), yu sheng (raw fish salad tossed noisily for good luck, fortune and prosperity), snow fungus dessert with dried dates and lotus seeds, mixed vegetables with quail eggs, fried minced pork in beancurd skin with fried minced pork balls with longan centres (decorated with grapes and strawberries), fried salted egg yolk prawns.

Highlights (Kuala Lumpur)

We were fortunate enough to stay in a brand new condominium when Ision and I were in KL, all thanks to Eric (whose RPM class I attended for the first time–my first-ever spinning experience!). Ain’t my baby elegant on the couch?


Lots of food was converted to unburnt calories during the KL trip, something that always happens. This was just another night of gluttony with friends who all shared a common identity–they are all followers of Eric’s blog.


Whoever in charge of branding this bank should face the firing squad. Come on!!!


I simply couldn’t resist this!

Highlights (Singapore)

Ision receiving blessings from a reverend in the Buddha Tooth Relic Temple in Chinatown on the first day of Chinese New Year. It was a pity as I should have taken a video instead.


My first family reunion dinner with Ision. All the tales of how one should behave in front of traditional in-laws were all thrown out of the window for I have one of the coolest mums in the world! This was also my first reunion dinner not prepared by my mum. Coincidentally, there was another Asian/Caucasian gay couple seated next to our table having their reunion dinner as well. Singapore is indeed opening up!


Catching up with Siew Mei, a friend I met back in my student exchange days in Sydney in 2001. Too bad she is now living in Singapore which means that I have one less Sydney kaki to have dinner and coffee with.


Friends from my singing-at-Ark days. We were there to watch my dear friend Meilian sing (can you see that greenish ghostly figure in the distance?). I miss hanging out with all of you already!


Me posing with the samba girls at the Chingay Parade. I was very proud of myself for managing to put together a costume from scratch on the spot (I had a small pair of pink wings behind me which is not visible in the picture). I guess it should also be noted that Roy and I were the first-ever “contingent” to represent the gay community at Chingay. Did we make history? You bet!


Me posing with the group from Cosplay. I want to say thank you to my friend Roy for initiating the idea of marching though it was a pity that only the two of us out of the entire nation turned up. We kept askin people to join us but I guess no one had our enthusiasm (and guts).


Me posing with the storm troopers. Here is an article on Fridae featuring our Chingay Parade march on the last night of my vacation. The video at the end of that article has also been reproduced here:





My partner in gay crime Singapore-style and my very dear friend Roy.


Mum and I at the airport just before my departure. I think she will miss me the most. The thing about reunions is that each reunion inevitably comes with a separation–so to avoid separations should we have reunions in the first place?

And there you have it finally, my month away from Sydney in vivid colour summarized in six posts. It is good to go on trips once in a while but I must say Ision and I were both totally tripped-out after that and were so looking forward to some sorely-needed quiet time at home. Kim out.

Hong Kong (the photo shoot)

Hey y'all!!! The long-awaited photos from my shoot in Hong Kong are finally here. This series was taken in a small village on Lamma Island. The rustic and abandoned feel of the location was exactly what I was looking for. These pictures were taken by a film camera (yes, people still use these) and then scanned so some of them might seem grainy or blurry. But still I am extremely happy with them and I hope you will enjoy them as much as I do. Thanks for the shoot Gab!






















PS: Which is your favourite picture?