20 years of independence

If you consider someone becoming truly independent only at the age of 21, then 20 years would have passed since I attained independence. In other words, happy 41st birthday to myself!

If you've seen me two decades ago, you wouldn't have recognised me as I was both extremely maladjusted emotionally and utterly insecure with my own appearance. The shoulder length hair and pudgy undefined body didn't help a single bit either!

I was supposed to be at my most active and free at that age but was constantly down instead and cried very often. Here's a song (just the lyrics as there's still a separate musical post later this month) I wrote for my 21st birthday to let you have a taste of my state of mind back then.



[生日舞会]

独白: 今天是我的生日， 第二十一个生日
        是什么样的一个日子， 我只能假装不知

我用孤单布置了房间
让寂寞渗透乏味的空间
然后静静地等着那不会到来的惊喜
我无奈地燃起蜡烛
被蜡烫红的手， 我也不哭
只因为痛苦已让我麻木

这热闹的生日舞会
只有电台情歌的生日舞会
枯坐在角落， 闭眼想像
这生日本来会是怎样

这热闹的生日舞会
唯一的礼物竟然是伤悲
我只要一个人， 就那么一个人
分享我生命的每一刻

这热闹的生日舞会
就像那蜡烛仅有的光辉
我好想把它吹灭， 再许一个愿
可我等了太久

它已化成一滩蜡
凝固于手掌间


[Birthday Party]

Voiceover: Today is my birthday, my twenty first
                What sort of day will it be, I can only pretend not to know

Using loneliness as decoration for my room
Letting it permeate this boring space
Then waiting quietly for the surprise that will never come
I light a candle helplessly
My hand burnt by wax yet not flinching
Because the pain has numbed my senses

This bustling birthday party
One with only love songs on the radio
Sitting idly in a corner with eyes closed
Imagining how this birthday should be

This bustling birthday party
Sadness is the only present
I only want one person, that one person
To share every moment of my life

This bustling birthday party
Just like the only radiance from the candle's flame
I really want to blow it out and make a wish
But I have waited for too long

It has become a pool of wax
Solidified within my palms


I was really quite emo huh. The worst thing is I liked to wallow in sadness which was very unhealthy.

Things started looking better when I started looking better after hitting the gym, something which I've written about on this blog before. The new-found confidence (albeit superficially obtained from validation from others - hey whatever does the trick right?) transformed me into a camera-loving part-time model with 40 photo shoots under my belt starting from 2007 (here are the shots: 1 2 3 4).

Though I've grown more mature and much surer of myself over the years, my body has not grown too much bigger. I know aging accelerates after 40 so I don't expect myself to continue being a model much longer but I'm very happy with what I've done so far. See for yourself how I've changed since my modelling "career" started!

Hope I can continue to add to the montage year after year and remain as healthy as ever. Happy birthday to me!