Thursday, June 30, 2011

Musical journey (14)

Before I amassed all the confidence I have now to bare all in front of the camera countless times and seize every chance I have to perform on the stage, I went through a period of identity-crisis. Although every one goes through this phase during their adolescent years, this problem poses itself in more layers for homosexuals and sufferers need to dig deeper into themselves to attain that harmony with who they really are, what they can and cannot achieve and be contented with the outcome, whatever it may be.

I recently watched Oprah's farewell show and something she said hit me. Oprah said every single person in this world seeks validation and wants to be heard, be it the richest, most famous person down to the homeless and destitute. That is so very true and relevant as well to an identity-crisis. We all need to know that we are worth something and we have to rely not only on ourselves but on others to give us that validation.

And that was the source of all the pain during my battle with living as a gay person, coming out and just being comfortable in my own body–I relied only on myself to think through and rationalise all doubts and insecurities (that was also largely due to me being left alone in my family for most of my growing-up years as every one was busy making ends meet). If I had someone to validate me then I think my fight would have been much shorter and easier. But then again I rationalise (I like doing that if you do not yet know) that long-drawn war as a huge character-building lesson, something that made me the strong and secure person I am today. Moreover without that exact experience, I would risk not turning out gay (GASP!) and instead be a boring-as-hell hetero doing all the mundane hetero stuff like raising kids in loveless marriages. I shudder at that thought.

Once in a while, we need to look back at our past and see how far we have come along, when we can take a moment to reflect on what went right and think of how we can do better in the future and only then can we take the next step with a sure spirit. In this month's musical journey, I look back at one of the more representative songs written during my coming-out years in which I poured my heart out, expressed all my angst and vented in vain, lamenting how we were all taught lies about fairy tales as kids only to grow up to find out that real life couldn't be farther from that. Through my voice, I hope you can hear the suffering and the helplessness that once almost drowned me.


/词 / : 锦泉/






Snow White's prince comes to her side in the end
The ugliest duckling becomes pretty one day
Even beauty and the beast can fall in love
And to think that we believed in all of that

The little matchstick girl though led a wretched life
Still ended up in heaven with a smile on her face
How many times can you hear these stories before you get sick of them?
Why can't you see that they are nothing but lies?

We have been taught the idea that all things in life come with a happy ending
Only to grow up and discover that we have all been denied the truth
Not every story ends beautifully
In fact they play out as tragedies over and over again

If this world were fair I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep every night
How I wish I could go back to the innocent past
When the land of sweet dreams comes after bedtime stories
But all I can do now is to heave a sigh into the air
And there goes another day


Ision said...

Enough posts wallowing in ur redundant past,

Kim said...

Preeeeease ar!! It is a musical journey. From past to present to future. Sweet and bitter and all.

And shush your bum!

Anonymous said...

Oprah has changed my life too! Bravo! Sis

Kim said...

Ision likes Oprah a lot too!

Michael said...

Those lyrics were so sad. :,(

Kim said...

Michael, this is one of the saddest songs I have written during the peak of my struggles with my sexuality.

As much as it is sad, I love it to bits as it's rawness reflects what was going on in my mind back then.

Though it was a painful moment in my past, it always serves to remind me how far I have come along on this journey.