Sunday, April 27, 2014

Musical journey (45)

Time has really flown by since this month's musical piece was written—fifteen years to be exact. Back then I was an extremely maladjusted little army boy void of any self-esteem. One of the most effective ways I used to numb the anguish of dealing with homosexual thoughts I desperately wanted to get rid of was to write angsty and emo songs.

Come to think of it now, I am not sure if these songs helped in any way because from the lyrics, I must have been pretty messed up during that time and so I find it hard to believe that bringing all those raw emotions to the surface could actually alleviate suffering. Well maybe writing such songs gave me assurance that I was still able to feel pain and that I was resilient enough to deal with more of it. Sometimes I don't think I give the twenty year old Kim the credit that he deserves for he must have been really strong to be able to continue functioning normally through that difficult period of army life and coming out.

My journey of coming to terms with homosexuality was a very lonesome one and very often I felt as if I was naked and alone on a plain, when the only thing I could talk to or help me was the wind. I never want to experience that feeling of drowning with no one to save me ever again yet I don't ever want to forget it. That is why I am thankful I wrote this song because with it I will always be able to remember where I came from and how changed I have become.


词 / 曲 : 锦泉


我还是, 还是执迷
风啊, 只有我和你

风, 你能否带走我的苦啊
风, 你不能就请继续吹吧

风, 你能否吹袭我的害怕
风, 你吹灭指引我的火把
无止境的惶恐, 你永远都不会懂


Panic and helplessness consumes me suddenly
As I stand alone on this vast plain
A gust of wind blows toward me
Making me realise how cold it is

I have actually attempted to change
Even though I know that is not possible
But I still remain obstinate
And now only the wind and I remain

Wind, can you take this suffering away
Wind, if you cannot do that then please just continue with your journey
The pain in my heart can only be controlled by myself
But there I stand naked in the wind not knowing what to do

Wind, are you able to attack my fears
Wind, you extinguished my guiding torch instead
You will never comprehend this infinite terror
How can this frozen soul continue to drag this tired body along

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