Monday, July 14, 2008

The feeling of a sinking heart

I have not felt this for a long time but today I got to feel it again. It is like riding a bike, you will never forget how it feels if you have felt that before.

The Melbourne job went to the other guy and yes he really does exist and not just someone the recruitment agency made up to keep me on my toes. I have failed myself this time although strictly speaking I have always felt that I would surely get the job only if there is no one else vying for that position. I have not devoted a lot of attention to building up my chemical engineering career and I guess this calls for the weight of the consequences crushing on me now.

I will not analyze what went wrong throughout the entire process for it is much too futile to do that now. I have learnt in life not to focus on something that cannot be helped or improved upon and only to look towards things that can. Most of the time this is easier said than done but some of the time, I succeed depending on how much of my eggs I have placed in the basket with the hole at the bottom.

I do have several job possibilities in the air but they are like seedlings that have just shed their seed coats. It will take much effort and time for them to grow into anything decent and this is the source of my upset at the moment. I have always hated and been phobic of being jobless trying to look for a job and now I am like an arachnophobe living at the edge of a large spider web, fearing and worrying about my prospects everyday.

I know Ision will find it hard to understand how I feel right now as he is always complaining that I am too negative and should not worry about things that are not worth worrying about (he feels that I can find a job easily which I disagree quite strongly to). But I hope that when I break the news to him later, he will reply with some level of understanding of the situation and my current state-of-mind.

Sigh.

I have even sent out requests earlier today for quotations to transport our stuff interstate as we were both looking forward to relocating to Melbourne very much but now things are again in limbo. If only I can attach their floating ends to my heart right now...

7 comments:

Kim said...

Don't get me wrong... my heart is still sinking ever so slowly and things around me are still swirling around in slow motion. But I feel better now after telling Ision.

And my worries of his lack of understanding as well as my despair have been allayed by his reassuring love for me.

All you need is love. Really.

The Boonster said...

Hey Hey Kim...

Just wanted to say Hello...

well, soon opportunity will come knocking on the door...

Take care...

Kim said...

Hey, thanks for dropping by.

Yes, there are some opportunities in the pipeline currently. I so desperately want to settle down and start my life in Australia properly!

Hope all is super with you and J.

Kim

gabriel said...

geez, gosh, guess u'll have to suck it up and look for the next best opportunity. I'm the eternal pessimist so I know exactly how you feel.

take care.

Daniel said...

Hey Kimmy,

I can kind of understand the desire to get at things secured after a major uproot. Hope that settling down in a permanent location can help allay some of your restlessness.

You've got much better brains and obviously much better presentation skills than I have. Don't think a job will be a chronic problem for you.

You know where to find me if you need a listening ear. I think I'm quite good at b*tching too!
ヽ(  ̄ー ̄)V

Take care man! 頑張ってね~

starbreez said...

Hey, really sorry to hear you didn't get this position. But who knows? Maybe there's an even better one lying in wait behind this dark cloud? 加油!

Kim said...

Thanks Gab, Dan and Bel for your jia-you good wishes.

Yes, I tend to get impatient at times (who am I kidding? Try "all-the-time!). Ision tells me often that we have a lifetime to sort these things out so why am I rushing? I guess this is just me. I want to settle down and focus on the finer things in life. I don't want to merely survive.

I told Ision last night that I have so many things in my life right now that I am not happy about and that he is the only thing that is positive in my life right now.

I guess I am fortunate enough to be able to go through this with him so I am thankful for that.

Attended an interview today and one more on Monday so things are sort of looking up though I am no longer expecting anything (not after the Melbourne fiasco).

Thanks friends! I will jia-you. I will jia-you indeed!!!