I have not felt this for a long time but today I got to feel it again. It is like riding a bike, you will never forget how it feels if you have felt that before.
The Melbourne job went to the other guy and yes he really does exist and not just someone the recruitment agency made up to keep me on my toes. I have failed myself this time although strictly speaking I have always felt that I would surely get the job only if there is no one else vying for that position. I have not devoted a lot of attention to building up my chemical engineering career and I guess this calls for the weight of the consequences crushing on me now.
I will not analyze what went wrong throughout the entire process for it is much too futile to do that now. I have learnt in life not to focus on something that cannot be helped or improved upon and only to look towards things that can. Most of the time this is easier said than done but some of the time, I succeed depending on how much of my eggs I have placed in the basket with the hole at the bottom.
I do have several job possibilities in the air but they are like seedlings that have just shed their seed coats. It will take much effort and time for them to grow into anything decent and this is the source of my upset at the moment. I have always hated and been phobic of being jobless trying to look for a job and now I am like an arachnophobe living at the edge of a large spider web, fearing and worrying about my prospects everyday.
I know Ision will find it hard to understand how I feel right now as he is always complaining that I am too negative and should not worry about things that are not worth worrying about (he feels that I can find a job easily which I disagree quite strongly to). But I hope that when I break the news to him later, he will reply with some level of understanding of the situation and my current state-of-mind.
I have even sent out requests earlier today for quotations to transport our stuff interstate as we were both looking forward to relocating to Melbourne very much but now things are again in limbo. If only I can attach their floating ends to my heart right now...